klonopin to stop "ugly" thoughts, seroquil to sleep through the night and suboxone just to stay straight. . .

ive managed to ween off the mood stabilizers and anti- depressants, which wasn't fun by any strectch of the imagination, but i feel like these last three will be the hardest.  just the thought of getting off any one of the aformentioned meds scares the bejesus out of me.

i cant rely on the klonopins to stop life from happening- sure they help if i have a major freakout but how will i ever learn to deal with anything if i have that crutch rattling around the bottom of my bag all the time??  i tell myself "at least it's not dope" and that's true, it's not, but i just end up in a less euphoric nod-like state when i need to take it.

the suboxone was my alternative to methadone at one point.  now its just a gross chemically-orange-tasting hexagon that i need to melt under my tounge once a day.  it doesnt make me feel good, just a bit more relaxed.

the seroquil knocks me out, plain and simple.

yeah im pretty stable right now-- more so than ive ever been.  but what good life with such a consistently blahhhhh vanilla feeling?  i still break down and cry on the street, half the time im up during the night even after taking the seroquil.  i hate my psychiatrist.  he is easily one of the most insensitive people ive ever met.  how can someone act like that when your sworn to an oath of care?  i guess he's just another jerk that wants to play god.  i want my mind to flow freely and i want to be able to handle what it gives to me.  if i cant handle it, that's fine too.  i just need to figure out the best way to get this shit out of my system.