4/10/09

Four years later, i'm continuing this shit. Lately, whenever i'd written things down in a journal ~ at least ever since filling up Vol. V ~ it's had a tendency to be less historical and more just a random pouring out of words. No dates or even spaces to seperte between days in between of no writing. Not sure how i feel about anything anymore. Or anyone, i do not know. Last night was quite the party at Jeff's place in Manoa. Really drunk and high, then that Alex guy smoked me out and shit. Too bad so sad about how Jeff was all shit-faced beyond understanding, and that the female presense was reather sparce. So maybe after next semester i'll go back to UH, but realisticly i may be stuck at LCC until i just go and get my AA already. May be a whole nother year. Dispair. That's not so bad, i won't even be turning 23 yet when that happens. I can't wait to be 23 honestly. This next year probably won't be anything to dispair over really, now that i think about it. It gives me time to get things in order at a nice and slow-as-shit-walking-uphill pace. I'll have time to get a real savings going again ~ then i can get a motorcycle, maybe a tattoo too. We'll see ~ i'm still gaetting used to being this person ~ this guy that i apparently am right now. A strange feeling, this feeling like a person. Being firmly and solidly situated on planet Earth, circling the sun, encircled by the moon, and spinning all round. Sometimes i still feel like i'm floating around a little but now i know ~ that too shall pass. I'm starting to lose my humor. One of the few pieces i'm a little sad about losing, but that's only natural. I know it'll always still be there inside of my parts ~ in my bones somewhere. The only thing that could perhaps off-set this loss would have to be amazement. I've got to keep a tighter lid on the whole curiousity and amazement thing though  ~ in certain situations. People won't think that i'm mature or some shit. Better than my humor becoming more outwardly and openly dark and shit. That shit ~ just too much of a burden sometimes. That right there i laughing to not cry. What do i want for myself in the future? Had the session with Dan today. The drugs may be having too large of a say on how i'm supposedly feeling. The substances are too heavily dictating whether or not i'll be alone or not. I don't need anyone to tell me what to feel. If i can remember who i am and who i eant to become ~ then i'll never be alone. Having people around really helps me to remind myself of myself. I too easily do not give a fuck about myself. Well, that's why i chose to not become a social worker ~ my main problem is that i don't give a fuck about myself. Maybe not ~ FUCK i don't know. What's wrong with me? I read a little of Karly's journal today; always knew the chance would pop up some time. I got to the part about that time doing X and just couldn't go on reading. She called me insensitive. Whatever, fuck that ~ i came back up to get her and she just ignored me. Thank you for not giving a fuck about me ~ you played your part as new-Jophi just perfectly ~ a truly riviting performance. At least back with Jophi i could still tell the difference between real and imajinary ~ although it could just as easily have been that i was blocking everything out. I could neve hate Jophi ~ as little as i meant to her i still love her. How fucked is that shit right there? Okay, so i'm fucked up. Big news. Everyone already thinks i'm crazy. But i can hate Karly ~ and i do. I really horribly hate her, and i'd like to punch her in her stupid face and make her cry so i can laugh at her empty fucking head. So thank you ~ i'm okay now (as i'll ever be). Fuck her i did not make myself bleed and even if i did i didn't do it on puurpose ~ i really did want to die and ( less and less ~ gradually) still do. So is it my fault that i didn't care for the wound? ~ just let it fester into infectious confections until my ego had rotted away. You're the one who stood by and let it happen. Just watch me die ~ let the machines keep me alive ~ and i'll waste away before your eyes. All you do is stand around refuting my wishes so you won't have to feel bad later ~ selfish asshole. Well i made a recovery so you think i should be grateful, but i still judge your actions and your lack of belief. You don't give a fuck about me. You made your choice. Apoligize for ditching you? Yeah right  ~ who's always the one alone. Thanks for helping me get over Jophi but i'm not, so thanks for nothing shittier Jophi. You fuck. Today i made great progress on figuring out myself out as well as getting at least somewhat excited about activites whoose purpose is only to either pass my free time enjoyably or make others think i'm cool. The whole art and music thing, as always getting mixed around with the school shit. So i went back into insanity-files and decided that i had made a mistake. Although i do adhere strongly with the hacker code of ethics, i'm no INTP. Close, but no. I am more of an INTP. I am now thoroughly convinced that INFP is the closest match to my actual personalities and energies. I have to remember to focus on the motivations and not get stressed by the details of what and how i've gone about doing things up unitl now. INFP ~ the Peacemaker. The middle of the Pacific seems like the perfect place for me. How did i forget that my whole goal in life was to join the Peace Corps? I guess that i asumed the Peace Corps shit all flew out the window when i canceled on becoming a social worker. The whole search for a soul thing has turned out pretty well. I still feel slightly conflicted over my devotion towards peace and my intense anger and rage at times, but now that i'm dealing with it instead of just crying all alone i feel that a large part of these attatchments are behind me. I almost sort of want and desire other people to give a shit about me now. This struggle is beggining to redeem itself. I'm still not completely solid about my inner beliefs, at least not all of them, but the begginings of the foundation are there to be sure. And i know now that i don't want to be doing something just because i know i'd be great at it. I know if i just picked something, that it would be my fire or whatever and i could do anything that i believed in. Believing in myself enough to do what truly makes me happy was the hard part, now maybe caring will come naturally.

4/12/09

Today was Easter Sunday. Tomorrow will be the first day to sign up for classed at LCC. I really want to get away from this island. I want things to be new; i want things to be like they were before it got all so fucked up. Maybe if i try really hard and start to care ~ someone would want to be with me one day. Have to admit how much i love that vein of "evil" i've grown into  ~ just want to take it easy and not do anything. Should admit how afraid i am of going crazy yet again. Its just so hard being all alone sometimes, But i've already started ~ that's a start. Got to stay on Planet Earth ~ Planet Aina, Mother Gaia. These connections being made ~ i'm coming back around to how the true world spins, this gift of living. Still seems like a curse sometimes. It has started though. People see me now and i'm feeling less like a ghost all the time. My body is returning my mind now and i can't help but care about both of them. This wife-beater thing makes me feel a little rediculous but that's fine; at least i'm feeling something. It's simple, i like that. One day i won't have to be alone anymore. Untill then i've got to keep on keeping on ~ do it for myself, for my family. Time to prove to my friends that i'm worth a damn. Got to make the complicated things simple in a way that doesn't isolate me from he reast of humanity. So, Peace Corps; still a goal to keep in mind  ~ a dream fr the future when i can finally put college behind me for a while. Other interests: comedy and hilarious or ironic stuff, music, reading ~ oh how i love to read, and maybe some other artistic acivities such as photography or drawing. Maybe i'll never escape these mortal trappings ~ always, forever ~ everything will be the way it is. Peace, aloha ~ Lord please be where my heart is. We'll see. I'm a human Humanist ~ just along for the ride. My inner values will never be violated ~ i affect my own life. The outside is where i'll find my soul.

4/13/09

Seven more days!!! Last night after we both had our Easter feasts with families, Gabe and i met up in Mililani to hang out and shit. We split a gram bag and gradually steam-rolled the whole thing. That was cool night. We had ineresting talking times pontificating things and i got to tell Gabe about a lot of the shit i've been figuring out about Hawai'i and the world ~ how so much of the way the world is today is still because of in initially racist, emperialistic reasons. I've got hope for Hawai'i; i trust the Hawaiians. We'll see, my faith in the leaders on man is pretty dismal and non-existent. Well that was a good trip. Talking about what happened to me throughout high school with all leading up to it and then the whole going crazy thing ~ a lot of the pieces fell well into place. Plus i learned more about Gabe and how he got here and all. I'm glad i can finally remember all that shit. Last night really reaffirmed my thinking about the soul ~ and how i've had it all along. It is somewhere out there in the world. Between the cross-referencing and self-referencing criss-crossed mesh of madness ~ that's what is now framing a rough draft sketch of a soul. I think that my life is finally starting to begin to take hold and shape up. As always, i still need to find myself a job soon to begin this new cycle of momentum and doing shit. I really like that i have friends now, ones that don't care it i'm sane or whatever ~ they're pretty interesting.

4/15/09

Even though i feel really genuinely okay these days, the anxiety still comes to me here and then. One slightly arbitrary force behind the stress is ceramics class and how useless and stupid that class is but at the same time is extremely important to my furthur education. At least either way, that ceramics shit will be over and done with after this week. I'll just finnish the last of it today ~ soon as i get home from work. Then i'll smoke some weed and relax and then sleep good at a decent hour for once. It be nice to be able to bring it in soon, although i'm not looking forward to facing up to Mura. Anyway, aside from school shit there's still that little shit by the name of Karly issues. It kills me that that shit still bothers me. And it's sad that i'll never do X or shrooms or acid again, probably. I'm very protective about my brain these days. I think that if i do decide to go back to UH after the Peace Corps, I want to major in ethnic studies and/or peace and conflict resolution. Then after that the social work door will always be open or some other generic job like teaching ~ that masters shit really makes the bachlors thing such a huge wase of time. I guess school is a great place to be if you want to waste some time but still have some kind of an outline for a life waiting for you in the end. English would be boring as art stuff. So sick of boredom and boring people and myself being so boring. Fuck her ~ she thinks she knows fucking everything when everyone knows she's just a fucking idiot. Can't wait until i can go and join the Peace Corps. Must get started on that right away.

4/19/09

Today is the 19th of April. Tomorrow is 420. Cool. Stuff action worth not forgetting ~ well, all of today and also maybe i'll compact it into a little life lesson after. This morning, well actually before that. Last night i hadn't slept at all. No one had weed to sell so to kill time i went onto Wikipedia to think more about what i'll major in at UH. Learned a lot about myself. Now, i'm mostly convinced that i'm a INFJ type, which in some ways surprised me a lot and in others makes loads of sense. Also realized that i could be one of several of them ~ but the explanation of how the person ends up that was is the key. Before i go on a long tangent that is not in good keeping with a historical journal, i'll conclude that i really learned a great deal about systems and wheels within wheels in general. The human drama being spun round the sun. Well things were looking pretty manic and frankly that look has been steady yet sleepy. Anyway, before i went to church, i grabbed an eighth of this super good dope-ass pakalolo. Rolled that shit into four joints before the scizzors got too sticky. Only smoked the better half of one so far ~ the others will be for when i smoke out the Kris and Juev, Dell-style. The last thing that happened, as i wait for Kris to be ready to smoke, was looking for this journal to write shit. Couldn't find so i looked around. Found a very similar one under my bed that i thought was it. Must be out of if (high for a long while i guess) as i should have known, under all those other journal books, i put it there a very long time ago and haven't seen it since. My old journal. Well, that was weird and emotional but i stayed calm and didn't even cry. At worst i dream of selling it off one day to make it rich quick ~ and i really hope that it's due to hopefulness and not another episode ~ although would anyone even notice?

4/22/09

Today i bought the movie Reign Over Me  ~ such a great movie that i can't wait to see one day. I mean today, later on today. I'm glad that i treated myself to it and that i didn't buy ciggarettes yesterday. Anyway, yesterday, Tuesday, was somewhat important of a day. Well, first off  ~ to re-cap. Been hitting the internet hard to try and figure out more about myself and stuff. Trying to base the next 10 years or so on who i am inately as a person. Fairly cartain that according to the Myer-Briggs Personality thing, i would be an INFJ.  Not entirley sold on this, maybe a tad bit more than astrology and Zodiac shit. I probably believe in V more. Maybe not... V shit. Anyway, i've learned a lot about myself, especially ever since i went back to read my old Med Log. I still can't believe that i wasted so much time in a cage atop in ivory tower of unidentified speech patterns. I'm pretty sure that all my friends no longer will ever take me seriously again. Anyway now i'm getting back on track with me. So, Tuesday. Went into drawing class and realized that: a) i'm still high from 420, b) i can't even reconstruct when the last time i went to class was, and c) today is evaluation day and i have no value (at least artisticly). Tomoroow i'll go and talk to Harada about possibly not failing his class and the possibility of finnishing up strong. Looking back, i REALLY hope that never knowing what is going on ever was because of all the drug use. Going to try not to drink at least untill Memorial Day and the next time i smoke won't be before my birthday. To sum up, my view of the world is starting to clear up ~ and it sucks because i thought that it already had. A lot came unstuck when i started to hate Karly ~ but not because she doesn't care about me this time, because she's a fucking bitch-ass-motherfucking-slut-hole. Also really stupid. It has been extremely hard trying to figure out how i feel about people, places, and things now that not caring is no longer a very functional back-up answer (especially towards myself). Knowing how i feel about shit is so hard. At least now i know i'm glad i'm not dead. Finally, i'm glad i didn't die. It seems that the most horribly ineresting thing about me is rediculously embarassing, but at least now that i understand it i can put that shit behind me. Someday, i won't be all alone anymore. Automy and syzygy.  Well that got a tad bit incoherent towards the end there. Today was a really eotional day ~ all day at the preschool feeling just tired. Afterwards i had to fight back tears. Got really sad, but probably from being tired and school stress. I seriously only figured out that there's two weeks left in school today ~ because i am an idiot. But now i've got 2012 to look forward to ~ that is the day when my world will end; hopefully the next one will be better. The new DSM will come out ~ Holy Shit! ~ version V. ha. Even though i still get a desperate urge to share the revelations that i've had about myself, i'm learning to let go of that shit ~ it never comes out right anyway. Besides, i've been trying my best to forget all that shit and leave it behind, but i'm glad that i wrote it all down in case i forget.