Should never have taken such a rediculously long sleep after work, or at least i could have ran or exercised or something to tire me out at least. Having the fuckingest time trying to get to bed, especially on that shitty as all fucking hell bed of mine. The couch is a lot kinder.

Anyways, i think that my problem right now may be that as life is getting better and better, my standards are increasing higher and higher as well. i think drugs was just too good of a way to keep my standards really really low.

Another problem is that i'm thinking that i would really like to be a writer, but can't really figure anything woth writing about. And everything in life is just so masterbatory. Almost all of my heros were writers who at least attempted to take their own lives. And when i think back to when things got really crazy out of control, some of the occultish style literature, i'm sure at least half of it was meant as a joke or satire, but i'm thinking that some of it maybe kind of fuck with my head. Because of course, i wanted it to? People only remember the things that supports their world veiw anyway, in the long run. So is there a point in putting pen to paper that isn't totally selfish? Maybe if i practice enough by the time i feel worthy of a cause i can help it out with my words and natural talents.

As always it is practicalness verses the other-ness. Shall i fight or flee? I mean flight? Have fun? Break down these walls of confusion and distracting misinformation and see just how big of a cage the world can be; can always get bigger? i wonder.

For now i'm going to just study music, but i fucking have got to think about moving on in life as well, my parents are probably tired of tolerating my shit by now. The religion stuff seems to really badly be messing things up. i just want everyone to get along and have a good time. Icarus Project, Hope for Hawai'i, Art Scene, Science and Medicine - can i really put it all together inside and achieve anything worthy at all when all i want to do is take it easy and live in Hawai'i? Can i really take it easy living with dreams differed? Can music really overtake the thoughts i cannot stop and end the ceasless cycle of tormenting confusion? Drawing and painting and photography quiet it up but it doesn't get me to sleep at night.

Learning to listen to my heart and not go against it just to cause pain like the masochist i used to be, it is good; is good is good. All i want is to be okay enough to sleep at night and be free enough to eat whatever i want during the day. Freely being able to live and do as i choose.

I don't need to control the outside to control my inside anymore, don't have to use doublethink or religion or the secret or anything else to trick myself into being happy, but sometimes i really want to and think that i should. Got to finnish that Kerry Thornley book, finish what i started, don't give up on the first thing i believed in, be fair and balanced.