i am feeling so sad, like grief. i think it is near the anniversary of the drowning. it was 21 years ago. my friend and i pulled a baby and a boy and their mother out of the ocean. i was 18. my life was permanently altered. my path entirely changed. i also was pulling something out of my subconscious simultaneously about things hidden and buried from childhood and so then was a new journey of having to heal, not having a choice, if i was to survive, and ever since, i have not stopped this process of healing. there are always more layers. i can't seem to get totally healed and complete. i have more layers to go. there are even still some more blocked memories. i know enough tho. i know enough around them. i don't believe in forcing the memories. they come when they are ready and i have learned one can heal not knowing everything by focusing on the present and the patterns existing in the now. dealing with that in the now can heal the past. it just does.