crossposted from elsewhere:

my weakness is related to being shocked badly through the heart maybe (near death experience years back from bad wiring). but you get these microburns they can't see on mri. they are cellular. but i should get it checked anyways. i don't know it could be fibro but it is severe. but fibro gets severe. seems to get more severe on meds...thanks dogfish for the support and kindness. i will be catching up one of these days on blogs more...

wanted to save my roll call here:



they torture us with haldol. (i took parts out involving others in case they don't want that saved in my blog) (talking of being tortured in the hospital with haldol. to me it is especially torture because i am allergic to it and it should be in my records).

i am on court order, by total mistake too, and they treat me like i am a "non-compliant" troublemaker while i have mobility issues from pain and weakness, some of which seems to get worse from meds...

so i missed the med box appt. and so they are mad. someone is bringing me the med box. they treat me as if i am in trouble. the other day i said i don't deserve this punishment and the case manager said twice, you are not being punished.

mental slavery. that is what it is. keep big pharma in big business.

can't tell the whole truths to the doc either while on court order, have to fulfill ego and tell them their plan is working. then they think you are doing better. it is psychology of the doctors. then if you tell the truth that their plan is not working, you need lower doses etc. they think you are doing worse. so i have to remember my acting skills. sometimes too upset for it...i get sarcastic when mad about it and that does not help matters. the doc is not so entirely bad. better than the past in that they are doing some integrative and to her the doses are low, but i have some metabolism issue. there is a test i guess i can take? but it might be the fibromyalgia or chronic epstein barr or whatever it is called at the moment. that affects med dosages somehow i read somewhere. makes them stronger. they are terribly negligent as always with physical health in the mental health system...this is how so many die in the hospitals i think...

i would respond to all, i am waiting for the med box tho and am upset. one of these days i can try to do that. mad love, nancy

i need to get to the regular doctor...but they are sort of weird on the mental stuff too. the physical docs...ugh. i need to go tho.

i don't want to die as an example of this barbaric age of psychiatry too much. i sort of like living when i am feeling my free...

they hamper it at times. fuck. i want to stay with my spirit up despite the shit attitude but i just break down and cry sometimes.

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later

now i have a fever. dan says it.he brought me some things and is cleaning the bathroom. my mom is paying him a little to help out again. not doing well with this.  i feel i have more than one thing going on. still earlier i could make a video and record a song. it is that energy fluctuates through the day and it is mostly mental energy right now but when i get weakness attacks, even the mental energy is lost and it is even hard to speak at those times til i sleep it off. then i get a little better. but i am feverish. i have had elevated white blood cell count for years too and they always sort of ignore it. i am not sure why. they also got me off all my other meds in the hospital including thyroid. i have to get to the physical doctor. i have not driven except once in a year. not that i want to support big oil much either...

sometimes i am on the other side of things looking back here. it is so strange...sometimes feel less pain.