(note: the pictures look better on the bigger size but it did not post so well: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ketogah/3953360196/sizes/l/in/photostream/)
 

just look at the pretty pictures if you want. i do that a lot. i need to rant tho and i share it in case anyone else goes through this shit.

i could complain about the mental hell system some more or i can make these things.

 i need to complain sometimes, for one, it can take years to get haldol out of one's system, and i am allergic to it, and i am regaining some memories of that hospital stay, mainly lots of unwanted injections...but i was immobile and at their mercy at the time...

i have appropriate hurt and anger since it should be in the records i am allergic to that stuff. i was abused with it ten years ago too, and locked up in a little room for what seemed like to me for defending an apache elder someone had been abusing.

now i find what works best for me with them in there is to keep them comfortable with you in some ways through humoring them, etc.  and to get the hell out of there as quickly as possible. they think you are doing better if you can make them laugh (as long as you don't pun too much because that is a symptom of "bipolar).

in the madness of king george, when he gets his so called sanity back, he says at the end, "i only forgot how to act like myself." people get these ideas of how you are supposed to be. well i am not the same person really, i will tell you that outright...but somehow some people need some sort of consistent idea of who you are supposed to be...well i just went through some intense stuff and i am not ever going to be the same.

oppressive circumstances tend to change my view on things as well. meanwhile beautiful things may be happening all over the place. and i don't like missing my appointments with the muse due to all this sorrow and grief and pain. i have to work on that. i just need to complain sometimes. i don't have the energy to sue and deal with courtrooms. i know some lawyers very close to me but they do not understand about the issue of my civil and human rights, also about injuries sustained due to passing out and collapsing from medication reactions.

i just have to let it go as usual and go on...but i don't know how long it will take to get haldol out of my system. it hurts me. i am terribly allergic, i think everyone is, but i especially have bad reactions and so they always think i am getting worse when they give it to me. i was injected with other things i am sure too that i have no idea about...i had them quite often. i did not agree to it but they have you sign things when you don't know what is going on...

well i refuse to let this kill my spirit. it can't anyways. even if i totally get fried here in my brain, whatever happens, my spirit will be free somewhere. i like my doctor ok because she is a meds minimalist but most people in this system do not get it, the extent of the damage they are doing to the quality of our lives.they are all manipulated by the big profit machine of big pharma too.

guess who was heavily invested in the killer drug zyprexa? bush and cheney. why are they involved in everything awful?? ugh. under their leadership, the apa approved of torture and they invented a new "fear of the government" disorder as well in the DSM.

we have a lot of healing to do here, including the mental hell system. i think it should all be dismantled myself and start over and heal some of those politicians. give them some medicine, i don't know...they need to heal more than i do. yet meanwhile i am on forced treatment. i was too weary to contest. they wear you out over time.

the best i can do is do some creative things. it is about all i can do to heal and to remember my connection to those who accept me for who and how i am.

luckily i am a little magic and i can cast a spell on these forced pills to not hurt me as badly. well and i pray. it did not work so well on the forced seroquel which made me collapse and faint in the halfway house step down place, pretty hard, down to the floor. i collapsed another time here. there has been some reduction in my dosage but not enough.

i still have a capacity for joy. it will come more easily when i can get this court order dropped. i did nothing wrong and i was not a danger to my self. i don't like pain or dying actually as i had a number of near death experiences. i prefer to not hurt myself so i really don't understand the danger to self thing except it is just an easy way to get a strange one away from the normie ones. that is all i know. i applied to have it dropped. i will apply every month, but i won't be getting off all the meds anytime soon. i am too fucked up from all the injections and so disoriented. i can not even see my physical doctor yet. i just am getting barely situated here in this reality that i feel has shifted entirely. meds or no meds, i went through some sort of death-rebirth thing and i am adjusting to that as well. it could take a novel to explain that one, and so i won't except to say that i have a new life. it happened before and here i am again. it is just too hard to put to words. i can't totally complain. i survived and i was given some great gifts and in the great scheme of things, all this happened for a reason.

it is just i do not agree with certain zones of reality and i try to get away from them when i possibly can. they get to me sometimes tho. i never did like most institutions, maybe all of them. they don't agree with my zones of reality and i don't agree with theirs. well i don't lock them up and inject them with poison for their versions of reality. ugh. i could go on and on. i am going to go back to muses and musics and beauty and birds...or maybe sleep some more...just needed to say that.