Today is a beautiful day. Instead of focusing on my failures as I often can do, I'm going to focus on what's good. I'm feeling much better and clear since I got a good night's rest. I'm smoking less and writing more. I'm pushing myself harder than before and I'm trying to get more done. I have a pile of books I could read and I'm going to get to reading to them when my attention span is better.

I'm slowly tapering off the medication again, I'm taking 15 mgs instead of thirty and this is working better for me. Sometimes I just don't want it because of how indifferent and physically numb I feel. It's a very dark thing, like a negative spiral. I feel suicidal when I take abilify because I could just not care and it's that easy not to. I need more of them. It's a horrible thing. I am not stupid. I just sometimes struggle with comprehending what others do on their level...everyone's a little stupid, critical, and wrong.

Things will get better. I just wish mom was herself. I don't think she'll ever get help. Her whole family pulled together to get her help and they denied her treatment and called it recreational or 'not sufficiant evidence'. I guess if they had seen her delusional fits they'd know.
And this is tearing me apart. Oh well. That's how it ends...people expect me to solve their problems...well I can't. I am still alive. I guess that's positive.