the worst part is it's a sunday, 10am, and i'm alone.

he left me.

okay so i'm being over-dramatic.

but i wanted to spend the day with him.

he's always fucking leaving me.

and i should not be alone right now.

i'm sobbing.

i should get out of the house... but i'd need to wait until i stopped crying and then put on some mascara or eyeliner or something.

and i just can't stop crying.

because i'm alone.

and i can't cry and go out...

people always wonder why you're crying in public.

and i live right by the hospital.

i hate to go out looking like a mess, seeing my old doctors and nurses and social workers, with them probably thinking "yup, there goes that mess, it won't be long til we see her back on the ward".

and then his mother, a psychiatrist.

i can't go there with my eyes all puffy and then explain that i've been bawling because i'm a stupid little baby that does not want to be alone.

i don't want to take the train all that way and i don't even have the money.

i just wanted him to take me and we could have driven together.

i don't want to meet him on the fucking train.

he said i'd be bored.

but what's the alternative... if i'm fucking alone????????

going out of my mind??????

i am scared for my own safety every time i get left this way.

and it makes me so angry that i'm overreacting which makes me want to hurt myself even more.

i want cigarettes.

i don't deserve food this morning.

i ate far too much yesterday..............................