I'm doing a lot better. I am not having problems and quit the meds over a month ago. The doctor is doing good with it, and the last appointment was under five minutes. I am learning to feel again. Though that means that I have more emotions that I haven't contained. I am trying to channel them or deal with them. I can no longer sit around here and be a vegetable. Which is what medication helps you become. I feel a lot better, like I am FREE to imagine....which is strange because you'd think you'd be free to imagine in any case but somehow the medication has repressed my innate ability to walk outside the lines. I feel like I have awaken from a strange coma. I heard my own self, the child self, come out of her dark cave and realize that she could see...but only for split seconds. I get a glimpse of being outside. Most of the time I am stuck in this shell. I have to hide to control my heartbeat/ache. Things are better than before but I have to relearn to live and not become a reckless rebel like I'd like to. Because I am angry at God and life for not making sense. Because I am not a schizo. There's no such thing as a schizophrenic. There is no such thing. I don't believe in these lies at all. I think they are bullshit. Really bad conceptual paintings of the way reality is supposed to look. I long to escape. I have to remind myself though, that this is what they did to me. It's nothing I did to myself. I never volenteered to get fucked up, in fact I refused. I think that age should be irrelevent when concerned with your control over your body. But they'd disagree. It wasn't me who put myself in that place. It wasn't me who put the drugs in my head. It was them. They chose it. NOT ME. So if no one understands why I get a little upset....it's because it was never my choice. It was a madness that I was led into, that I was pushed into...and no matter what you say I will never forgive you. they got what they wanted. They took my mind from me....it's the American dream.