i think I am the dopplegaenger. this me sitting right here, right now, is the shadow. a shadow of my truest self. going around living my life, masquerading as me. but how to define such a thing? I Know You See Me Sitting Here But This Is Not The Real Me, I Am Just Her Stand-In... really? if i am not she then where is the real me?

i can see her in there. i know why she's hiding and what she's hiding from. i know why she's soo sad and soo mad all the time. i know what she wants and what she wants to avoid. i can almost pinpoint the exact time frames she used to make her exit, can fully describe what it was/is she's running from. i Know all of that, i've done the research. the self-analysis and the examinations. the peeling back of the scabs and the revealing of the wounded core. owned up to the bullshit, took responsibility for the damages done. i just dont know how to reach her, to nurture her, to help her heal, to be a better me than this (?) sitting here now.

and i've almost given up trying. isnt the definition for insanity trying to get a different result after using the same method, over and over again? i do that and i think i understand why -- it's because although i know all these things about me, i still haven't learned to detach long enough to discern the method. never really understand the meaning until the lesson is over and all the books have been put away. do a lot of living in the rearview mirror, constantly hitting the same bumps and roadblocks because i'm not paying attention to the road. too busy looking back to figure out what i did wrong. once it's figured, have no idea what to do with the information because the car (life) keeps rolling on and by the time i face forward again, there's a whole new challenge before me to miss and try to figure out all over again *sigh* i'm beginning to hate her. me. this she. i need help with this but who can help, but me? what's some doctor gonna do except push a buncha pills down my throat. what can friends do except listen and do their best to encourage me to keep going, keep trying, have patience. family, too. what good is any of that if i'm the one frowned up in disbelief at the inane shit i continue to do.

i don't know how to do this differently. don't know how to stop. you know, if you pray for someting - understanding, patience, clarity, whatever - if you pray for it and keep your eyes open, something will happen right before you, like a physical enactment of that thing you prayed about. like say i ask for patience, it may show up in a number of ways. repeating information slowly and clearly so that the lil old lady catches it completely the first time around. stopping longer than usual at a traffic light, waiting until long after its turned green to go to give the person crossing time to make it to the other side safely. and not getting mad or frustrated about it. having patience and not growling in the meanwhile. i get that. i totally understand that the universe/cosmos/Most High will listen to and answer prayers. that you will see the very thing you asked for and have the opportunity to utilize an answered prayer to the fullest.

ok so, now what. what's next after understanding? application. i ask for patience and then grit my internal teeth when the old lady says "Do Whaaat?" for the fifth time. or sigh with exasperation and mumble at the inconsiderately slow rate of speed of the pedestrian that's blocking my right of way. turn my radio up way loud and curse at the self-centeredness of people, not caring where i've gotta go or how late i may be. it's not until i'm sitting still that it dawns on me "Ohhh, i could have just used patience and not had my feathers ruffled about it" and even as i'm realizing the fact, even as i'm having my Ahh Moment about the thing in the recent past, another situation is upon me, giving me another opp to exercise patience and i blow it. again. so busy saying what i should have or could have done in the past and again becoming impatiently frustrated in the present only realize the error in the nearest future.

do you see? get what i'm saying? there is a whole website of people battling real issues, everyday, in and out. surviving suicidal tendencies, taking it one day or one moment at a time. just trying to make it through the night to see another morning and try again. meanwhile, here is me. no diagnosed issue, no genetic tree of unrest, no nothing but me. a spoiled, sheltered shell of a person who used to be me.

*sigh*

i don't blame anyone for turning away or leaving this being on the proverbial backburner. all i want to do is be me, i just don't know how and i need help. it is almost becoming too much to take. tired and can't break loose. tired of being left standing alone and told to Figure It Out and then being rightly yet uncompassionately criticised for fucking up again. people teach others all the time how to fish so that a person may learn feed themselves. i would love to understand this lesson, break free of this she and move on, live on... but where do i turn to learn that?