i am so sad. and happy too. mixed up. j made me laugh a lot today, so there is a lot of joy here. but sorrow too. i am so sad. for my aunt who almost died on xmas. and then my cousin who had to get ect and my friend who is walking around the other realms and i am just worried for him...he may leave tucson and leave for good he says. i am just sad, he feels like a brother sometimes to me.

and i am constantly queasy. it is like existential nausea but it is flu too i guess. or is it meds? or is it coffee. or pms dread or what. i don't know. i just feel bad all the time--it is relentless. i lose hope. then j comes around and he is like sunshine i swear, he makes me feel so much better.

then i played the drum too. i can't focus to meditate so i play the drums and i have this new doumbek and it sings with you when you play it. it is a beautiful ceramic drum. i love it. i love also the agave drum too, the one my late wonderful friend rey gave to me...i need to play that one as well. they have different personalities. i think rey's spirit sometimes makes the agave drum make popping noises when i have gone too long without playing.

i want to get some congas too.

j wants to get a saxophone and that is cool but i worry about those beginning stages...

well i am worried about equetro. i get it tomorrow. i guess i can try it and see and then if i don't do well just go off it but it really is not that simple when using the brain as a chemistry experiment. it would be nice to be on that instead of anti-psychotic, abilifry. i am frying on that i think. but there are some positives about it too so i don't know. the main thing i need to get off of is effexor and the nurse i saw did not have a plan for that and told me to keep taking it for now. it is making me agitated and then she wants me on another pill, this equetro, for the mania. so it is all weird.

i don't know what to think anymore. i mainly just want to sleep. actually the bogus drug for bipolar, neurontin, actually may have kept me out of mania more than any other med simply because i slept so much on it.

i not only have to work on the chemical part of the sleep issue, but also the psychological. the agitation may make it worse. but i resist sleep sometimes, sometimes when i desperately need it. i feel unresolved or something. i can look like death warmed over and i do, really i do lately sometimes, and i will feel the rawness in my eyes and throat from exhaustion, the aching lymph nodes from cfids acting up, and smokers hangover from too many cigarettes. it is bad...i mean there are things i need to change. and of course the coffee. but i do feel more relaxed on coffee in a weird way. it is a comfort. it clears my head.

i am split up in my head ont he sleep issue. this is where the dissociative personality thing gets weird, over this sleep issue. this is where i get severely divided. well i was abused in sleep before too. and nightmares are very common. the kind that make you feel sick when you wake up, sick for the day.

i also have beautiful dreams. i walk around the dream time i think. i dream travel. it is an exciting place. i really ought to sleep more. i go to a dream school. i do research. the dream school is everything a true learning place should be. you don't have to have books but their library has the most magical books.

oh my i need to severely trim my toenails. they are claws. sorry. that is gross. sad but true. i take turns neglecting various parts, and try to take care of what i can. toenails have been neglected. oh well. maybe i will paint them since they are so ugly. i have the most messed up feet. i wear socks. silly white socks to air out the chronic athlete's foot that keeps acting up since my immune system is shot. i found the garlic pills do not keep it at bay (with prescription cream too) but that the raw garlic is the only way...and it seems this foot thing is a measure of how my immune system in general is doing ( i have had this over a year now) and so...now starting the raw garlic again i see vast improvement. i caught it from ex bf who is got it at the dojo.

now ex bf with same name as current bf is to play chess with current bf tomorrow. they are both very good chess players. so this should be weird and i am queasy now and will probably be queasy tomorrow. not sure what to do about it, start making the doctor appointments and actually showing up.

i wish alcohol did not make me so sick so quickly and easily. i really would like that little tipsy high right now. but it never works out very well. so...i stick to the green. i am needing to moderate it. pms is going on and the green is truly a goddess gift.

i am all for a bit of escapism in moderation. i don't see at all what is unhealthy about it. i like sci fi too. i want to read some william gibson or something, hmm but i am still trying to read lynda barry. her one novel is excellent. i am just so slow. i just have focus issues. but wow she is a great writer.