i am spending huge amounts of time playing the sims. it is a bit obsessive. i go through phases like that. well i got temporarily unable to write much or anything and the sims can be a sort of creative outlet. i tend to make many of them communal.

my neck is killing me. it pops and crackles in a very bad way. it is all from falling out of that high-up old bed when sleep walking. two years ago? i am forgetting how long ago now, i have never had proper therapy for it. well other pressing issues come up at the doctor's and i am allowed onlyt 15 minutes with him to deal with a maximum of two issues...he lets me try to squeeze in a little more tho. ah i need help tho. i feel i need to be popped. but then i think of my friend's mom who went to a chropractor and he broke her neck...ugh.

oh i feel a bit squeamish. i should be sleeping.

i was wanting to trip. it is stupid i know when i now can trip just by a few mania inducing behaviors...but...i wanted really more than to trrip to have a sacred experience with a sacrament such as san pedro cactus. i only wanted really to do a tiny amount. but i guess i can not do that for now. i was so out of it today. i don't need it. i can't do a proper ceremony for it either. and it needs a certain amount of ceremny i believe.

why can't i be a free spirit? oh i am already.

i am getting tired again. to make coffee or to sleep, that os the question. maybe i need to take trazadone. i have been avoiding it.

i am feeling actually very happy lately. but i have grief at the same time. i am very sad this morning. i feel like something is dying. maybe just a part of me.