Iv'e had a weekend alone in the house. This has its good and bad points. On the plus side, i can do anything with no family to judge or poke me. Iv'e not been alone since i moved here for any significant lengh of time.. and i forgot what happens to me when i get lonesome in a mood.. Most of the reason i moved back here*trails off somewhat*

Im trying to listen to music, popped the 'bands that saved my life'  thread and am using myspace to taste new music. It rips my heart out when i find something i love, i can't explain it. A new friend of mine suggested i start listening again. I pretty much gave it up. Most people say it helps them durring a depressive episode. I think i want to own the feeling i get from whatever it is i love. I want to own it and take it to the next level and get fame/money/approval from just doing the thing that i love and loving the thing that i do. This is a new thought, one i managed to catch as it flew by. the 'owning' thing that is. My thoughts are so scattered, i keep meaning to try blog em but it's been really hard.. i think i have stopped trying to a degree. I really just end up rabling and complaining. This is apart of the problem, and i wonder.. What happened to the me that could think? and think tremendous things at that ;) i can hardly grasp basic concepts or follow sentances these days... me... or the drugs?

Fame money and approval are things i despise as trophys anyway, so why would i want them?

So im feeling this thing, almost like the physical pain you get from heartbreak but filled with all the love and promice that your soul holds: and i need and want and AM so strongly that i feel an implosion/explosion is on the cards. I can't seem to just feel it and not get swep away on someone else's heartbeat.

as all ways this took way longer than it should have and did not really touch what i wanted so i am mad and want to delete but then, thats not progression at all is it?  so im needing to go away and do the sleep thing...  I wish bands could help me save my life.