I didn't have a chance to write yesterday, and I really felt it.  I gave in to the power of the caffeine withdrawal headache yesterday afternoon.  I sat through a morning meeting with an unbearable pain right behind my eyes.  I made a bee line for the nearest Dunkin' Donuts immediately after the meeting.  I feel ok about it though. 

I'm going to admit something I've never admitted to anyone...maybe not even my therapist.  This is all part of my pattern - I get ideas in my head, usually for no good reason (or for unbelievably ridiculous reasons) and I attempt to make massive life changes.  Inevitably, these changes don't stick, and I dive deeper into self-hatred because now I've failed at something.  Again.  I've done this with food, exercise, relationships, apartments (I've been known to make a decision to move, and by the next day my shit is packed and I'm out...not good)...just about everything. 

I don't want to admit many of the decisions I make are nonsensical.  On the outside, I'm a very put together person.  I'm good at my job, I do well in school...I project the image of fairly well-adjusted 26 year old.  But from the time I was 15 or 16 (when I was first diagnosed), I have felt like a wreck inside.  Chances are, if you're reading this you know how I feel.  I rationalize and justify every stupid thing I do, but inside I know I'm lying to everyone around me, and that brings on the awful feelings of guilt which contributes to self-loathing. 

Ugh.

So, someone else might say, "If you know this is a pattern, why don't you change it?"  And THAT is the question of the ages.  I can tell you what therapists have said, and which is 100% true:  I'm not happy with myself/my life, but I'm too scared to examine and work on what's actually making me miserable, so I try to change ridiculous things that will ultimately not fix the problem, but will distract me from the real shit.

Phew.  I'm spent.

On a positive note: I AM going to run the loop, and I had a great run tonight.  Pushed myself a bit further than I did the day before yesterday.  It feels good.