I would call it apathy, but it's not the painful one either. I'm wondering if this is the clinical description for taking things one step at a time. I don't feel great or terrible. Not that I'm loathing that but I feel really...disconnected. But in a good way. I mean, I think I'd want to accept the new page,  but it wouldn't feel like it was me accepting it. Just for this past year, I can't really put the finger down on me. Like all these words piecing together before me...I'm not the one writing it...or am I? What is happening that's making me form these words together? Why am I complaining? Why does everything look really..blank? I mean, I lost interest a long time ago. But what's life going to be if it's all either fucked up, too high to even grasp, or too low that you'd sink anyway? I'm not contemplating suicide though if that's what you think I'm going at. I don't want to go back the the Behavioral Center. But if I had a choice, I'd probably live there the rest of my life. Either that or live out ofa van with a really interesting person just for the hell of it. Why you may ask? Because at the B.C. its pretty much a stress free environment. BUT, it's not somethig I want to get out of life. It feels like that's the easy door out. Left to my own devices, unmedicated, unsupervised I'd climb back into this existentional cycle that reminds me the bullshit of everything. How does money work? Why are people so greedy? What makes me sad? How am I percieving this world before me? Does everyone else have a different lens they're looking at the world through? What defines normal? What's so wrong about my imaginary friend? Etc. Etc. Everything just feels so different. I mean...what do you do with a new found level you've never had before?