I was at the funeral of a high school friend today, and it was so surreal.  I think we all say that about death...but it wasn't really that part that was so strange.  It was all the people that I haven't seen for 8 years or more...before I was mad. 

Or, before I came out as mad, anyway.

I hate being forced to be social. Those situations where you know you're going to have to talk to people you haven't known in a long time, and you'll have to say things like, "Hey!  Good to see you!  Man, it's been forever.  What are you doing with yourself these days?"

I secretly fantasize about one day having the balls to have THIS conversation:

Person I knew 100 years ago:  Hey!  Bethany!  So good to see you!

Me:  I'm sorry, I don't know who you are.

Person: We went to high school together!

Me: Oh, I'm sorry.  I still don't know you.  And quite honestly, I don't give a shit.

Or this one:

Person: Bethany!  What are you doing with yourself these days?

Me: Oh, you know.  The usual.  Working, but I hate it.  Grad school, so I'm really fucking broke.  Binging, purging...masturbating A LOT.  Did I mention I'm clinically depressed?  Yea - that's interesting because I can't really maintain relationships, and I usually hate everyone around me.  All in all, things are great!  Oh wait!  I'm also so incredibly anxious that some days I puke up bile and can't seem to stop.  Cool right? How are you?

Really, I guess this isn't about death at all.  I'm actually pretty ok with that part.  Even as a kid I didn't have any weird hang-ups about dying.  It seems pretty natural to me.  Sometimes even a bit appealing. (And I don't mean that in a suicidal way, just an honest way.)

My brain is too crowded right now.  Thanks for reading.