Well, I happen to be completely confused.

At the end of the school year last year - it was just perfect. This guy, asked me to sign his yearbook - someone I had sat behind the entire year for in part, two classes.

And he told me he forgot it at home, and that he was going to bring it the following day.

And then, the most amazing experience I had ever had before. Something I could have actually had... I could have had one amazing summer with him...

It was very, romantic. He reached out his hand for me to shake it, not to dap-off, but to shake. It was a very loving grip he held. He rubbed my hand for gently - it was the most loving, gentle, and powerful feeling ever. He looked directly at me, and said "*****, the reason why I make fun of you, is because I like you."

And he kept holding my hand, with that amazing grip.

I thought I was going to just either fly away or pass out, I was like falling in love for the first time, ever.

He said, "Aren't you going to let go of my hand," (We had been holding hands for a while), and I said but I don't want to. And I didn't, and not at least for a while, I didn't let go. I then walked over to my desk, and just reviewed that. I have never had an experience like that, in all my life ever. This is what I'd been waiting for.

I just, ... very excitedly went home, layed in my bed and my closet, and thought about how amazing of a summer we could have, and the amzing life, and how our senior year would turn out together. He wants to be a doctor, a heart surgeon.

The next day we had to take our U.S. History final exam, but we are allowed to exempt it, so we did.

I just kept staring at him...

I then, for some strange odd reason, wrote him a love letter in German. I don't know why I did that, I feel as though I ruined everything. I just still was not comfortable with revealing my emotions - to let any one know that I have that kind of stuff. But I did leave my number at the bottom, and I told him to call me.

He didn't.

I spent the summer in a very, I can't even explain it. I text messaged the only person whose cell phone I had (that I could text), to help me get in touch with him. It never happened. I believe she was purposefully doing that, she claimed she went to Mexice for a month. She just didn't want to be bothered with me.

I can't even explain what's going on this year. Still nothing, I basically feel as though I ruined it.

I haven't even done much of anything else... The reason why I got my FAFSA done was because we holding an in-class session to finish it. I have not finished any of college application essays which is all I need to Finish.

If I could just tell him, I'd tell him...

I love you.

But once again, I get a lot of built up anxiety just standing next to him.