On June 27th, I woke up and I felt it. I felt so alone and isolated. I felt like no one in the world knew where I was or how I felt. I knew the depression had come, and the mania was over. It was such a clear demarcation in my mood. Without the depression ever having arrived in this way before, I knew. And it came.

Today, after what may have been residual mania, what may have been a slight roller coaster of depression, when I thought I was recovering from the depression that easily (I thought this time it just wasn't as bad as before), a few horrid days of stay-in-bed-as-long-as-I-can while my boyfriend watches with worry, most-comfortable-feelings-are-doing-nothing, feeling-socially-awkward depression, I've begun my first antidepressant - Wellbutrin - and I'm actually delaying my time-in-bed to work on my computer. It must be working.

According to my psychiatrist: the full effects of the drug takes 4-6 weeks to take place, but the activating effects can begin immediately. At my appointment with her today, I told her I'd like to restructure my thinking about the medication and the illness, so that it may help me. She said the deadening, dampening effects are from the depression, not the medications. And that taking medications work to shorten the time in depression, rather than against the effects themselves. She also said that most people with Bipolar, not me, but most people spend most of their time in depression.

The plan: stay on Wellbutrin and Lithium for the next 3-6 months, then taper the Wellbutrin off. In a couple of weeks, raise the Wellbutrin if needed. In a couple of weeks, taper off the Risperidone. Continue to taper off the Tegretol.