I learnt about CBT and DBT....the journey of recovery, mindfulness- the reasonable mind, the wise mind and the emotional mind...or the hot and cold mind.

I was anxious today and i had my injection too. while i waited for my injection I heard someone before me in the small room for injections moaning like she was in some pain and saying "it hurts" and complaining alot...it was a distressing time for her. then after her injection she was saying "i feel dizzy" and near collapse. she was not enjoying anything about the experience and probably having a panic attack or worse.

I just waited (normally no one is in there so i dont have to wait outside) calmly without any anxiety after group was over and took my injection as i normally do. Its really not a big deal to me. I chose to get injections because pills were upsetting my stomach so much last year that i was throwing up and wrenching all the time. later i had an allergic reaction to the drug olanzapine and changed drugs. then i lactated like on risperidone and changed drugs. then i changed to the injection by choice. This way the doctor doesnt ask me anymore if i have taken my pills. I hate that bloody question. Also i dont have to remember to take my medication i just visit the nurse once a fortnight and she/he injects me in the buttocks. It just hangs out in the fatty tissue and slowly releases at the same time every day. I always think thats amazing and its so neat too...no pain, no bad after taste, nothing i am really complaining about....although yikes....i do have parkinsons now which i hate. i take another medication for that when it is needed. i also take sleeping pills. sleeping pills have little effect on me unless i take 3 which is over the limit...at once that is. The most i have ever taken is 12 and that was for a nap a few months ago. i only slept a few hours. I take them for naps because i love to nap and ofcourse i am not supposed to take them for naps. at the moment i take anti anxiety pills when i need to.....because of a car accident but no anti-depressant which i am proud of. 

The injection feels like nothing and i feel less sedated and better for it. i also decided to increase my dose a few months ago. Its the smartest choice i have made for me in a long time. I secretly enjoy the injection, needles dont scare me which helps. 

Theres a really stupid movie on tv.....Cloverfield. 

I have had quite some bad side effects on medication. last year was not the worst for me. I have been on (i think in this order) - prozac (migraines, constant headache) ,Rispiradone (lactation), Quetiapine( psychotic break,depression, other side effects), arropax, olanzapine(almost like tardive d, restlessness, suicidal, psychotic break, allergic reaction), haloperidol (lactation etc), and sleeping pills and anti anxiety medication and now zuclopenthixol(parkinsons, still throwing up). 

my father wants me to stop taking medication. he thinks they cause me to be unwell and he is a physicist and professor. he has actually gotten me out of hospital and encouraged me to go back to university but now has practically disowned me because i quit uni. he also found me accommodation with an electroshock therapy survivor and found me two new doctors. one gp who is a scientologist and another shrink who is not a shrink and doesnt believe in normal treatments. since then i have changed both doctors and now my father is angry (and he has a very abusive temper) also because i wont stop taking meds. i told him i was suicidal last year (ringing suicide lines and the police at victims support, who came to the house) and he just said i bring it on myself. i CANT stop the voices in my head. what the hell should i do?

i am better now but i miss the relationship i had with my father. eventhough the only thing we can talk about is how we took a japanese intermediate paper together at uni when i was 15 and that was 15 years ago. he has never commented on my album or music. I am head injured this is the best i can do. i was lucky to just survive my head injury and have lived. he never visited me in hospital after my head injury and i waited for him...he rang me and said he would come. i just waited for a year for him to talk to me. he is sort of pleased i am putting out a new album and i have backing and i can be a co-producer. hell. i wrote all the songs on my first album when i was 14 and 15 and i wrote about 100 songs back then all committed to memory and none written down. what i do now is pretty basic...just practicing music i wrote while i was suicidal last year. i am currently writing some new stuff too. 

well there is so much to say but whats the point really. i wish i could write but i cant enjoy my smoke while i type.