when a friend talks about suicide...you can talk about it and most likely talk them out of it...but what are you supposed to do when they don't talk about it...what i mean by that is..if no one knows...how are they gonna feel loved or the fact that they will never know they are not alone...how do you know that feeling will ever come through?...god help me i'm crying again...

i have never been able to talk about my friend...i have not spoken his name since it happened...except for with my crazy ass therapist who told me that she was happy i got raped over and over again when i was younger...and told me to kill myself as well...aparrently i would be doing the world a favor...but the world has no appreciation when families are crying and wondering why they hurt you...

so far i have been with one person while he killed himself...and heard one do it on the phone...well answering machine rather.

you see i was at the point where i wanted to kill myself...i still have the journal where i wrote how, where, the exact time...everything was planned out...and then my friend Lenny invited me over his house, got high, and took a pistol, putting it in his mouth...i tried to tell him not to do it but obviously i could not speak so that didn't work...he locked the door and wouldn't let me out of his closet he was in his room...the only phones were downstairs...he did it right in front of the door..i was stuck in that room for three hours before his parents got home...i never wrote in that journal again...i couldn't sleep, eat, or really move for at least a week...the doctors had to put an iv with sugar water in it because everything i ate i threw up...i couldn't go to Lenny's funeral.

six years later i met a guy in school.  i was getting my ass kicked by four people outside the school building. he jumped in and saved my ass...thank god for passersby. we began to talk and he told me about his parents kicking him out and that he lived with the choir teacher a few houses down from me. we began to talk and see eachother every day. we went out here and there but both agreed that it was easier to be best friends becuase we got along like brother and sister. one weekend some years later i was away on a weekend vacation with some friends and when i got home here were five messages on the answering machine from him and he had called several times before...i thought nothing of it and listened...well, read my other blog because i can't type that again...

sorry

a messed up lette