I don't really know how to say what's in my head, but I hope I'll get better at it. I tend to aquire worry like the greedy do money. Ussually these worries are sparked by something not worth dwelling on. Once catalyed it stays there floating around like a fish, slowly it starts to eat all the smaller fish until it's the biggest fish in the pond, indeed the only one. At this point I ussually forget what it is that I had been worried about, discontinue function, and focus on why I'm like this. In the search for the cause, generally, I'm led to serious self loathing and a certain thick headedness that causes me to not believe the people who care most about me. I feel really bad every time my partner in crime has to repeat herself to assure me that it's ok I'm like this, or that it's ok I'm sharing space with her.

I'm trying really hard to just accept this as part of me, for I know I will have an easier time existing. Likewise, I want to stop puting off those who are close, constantly feeling like I must apologise for myself then feeling to stupid to do so, and falling into an unstopable downward spiral from small bouts of jealousy, doubt, and insecurity. I keep trying to figure out if there is something I can do, memorize a matra or something, that will help me realize it's ok, and that my friends, family and lover do care for me; I know they do, but also don't know, obviously. 

I'm going to call that the end of my first post.

Don't want to be to heavy-handed.