I wonder if Ambien has stopped working for me.

In my support group tonight, I talked about how stupid I felt for how unbearable I find the thought of my mother's death. She has stage four cancer. I am 32. Most people lose their parents. How come it seems like unimaginable catastrophe to me? The facilitator said, "Does everyone go through it? Absolutely. Could it be the worst thing you experience in life? Quite possibly. The two can go together."

Last week I went to two memorial services for two trans activists I knew. Chloe Dzubilo, age 50, and Isaac Kwock, age 35. It seems like we trans people so often die young. I'm having a hard time processing either of the deaths. I hadn't seen either of them for a while before they died, so I don't feel their absence as acutely as I would otherwise, but it is still so sad. I wish I could cry about it, but I haven't been able to.

My long distance boyfriend was just here, visiting. Now he's gone and I miss him. I'm in couples counseling with my local partner and it is really stressful and challenging.  I have been pretty pissed at them (my partner and couples counselor) lately and they've been pissed at me some.

I have a lot of work to do. I'm behind on an article deadline. I have a bunch of student work to review. I teach class early tomorrow morning.

This is my second sleepless night in a row. I could be doing work right now, but I don't want to.

This post seems a bit self-pitying / selfish. Not what I want to do.