ONE DAY LIKE THIS...

The day started well.My bird woke me up by a chirp, i left his door open and he was sitting on my windowstill. got up, smoked four ciggarettes, had a glass of water. thought i took my meds then acutally took my meds and smoked another ciggarette

MUM: (yelling from the top floor) HOW LONG TILL YOU ARE READY??!

DARKLING: (yelling from outside) .........UMMMM (puff puff) FIVE MINUTES??!

at work, im manic. yesterday i had a fight with my dad because i wanted sushi for lunch and he would not let me leave the shop. he greets me. (i smiled at him because this is unuaual, alot of the time i am invisable) everything is going to be okay

DAD: Today, if you are feeling energetic, you have to work here. contribute. everyone here would rather be somewhere else. you need to get back into the real world. you need to clean the yard. wash the van. clean up the smoko room. You cant go frolicing around  towm spending money and living the high life. i cant afford salmon for lunch, why should you be able to? i cant afford books, so why should you get them. shall we ring Christeine (therapist) and she what she things you should do today? Shall i ring some of the hardworking people of hamilton and see what they think of you spending their tax on  [The 'high life']??? DO SOME WORK!

DARKLING: nodding nods nodding still. walks away with head between legs.

I cleaned the toilet. i mean, i really scrubbed the shit out of it, i cleaned the sink, the floor, the walls. im exaused. I smoke, go for lunch, then wash the van, first with a sponge then with a brush and water. It still looks dirty and i feel unapprieciated and like i've wasted my time. Im exausted. i sit at the computer in the office, answer phones, make jokes.

DAD: If your getting bored you can clean the outside of the van??

DARKLING: nods

DARKLING GETS MORE AND MORE AGITATED BY THE SECOND

I left my smokes at home. i want to sleep. i want to work to make my dad pleased and i want to smoke a fat joint to make my nausea stop.

....SOME TIME LATER...

I'm still sitting at my box. my leg is jiggleing so fast i think it might run away if i dont keep an eye on it. i storm out of the shop and smoke some more. knocking on the window, i signal 'P' to my mum. she comes out looking mighty worried and asks me where and tells me 10 minutes or she'll come looking for me. i roll my eyes and storm off. Im wearing a wee skirt and turqoise snow boots and i felt i looked rather fine, storming off, pulling up my h00d.

later at work... my foot is still tapping. i start stating that i want to die (not even true at this point) that i need sleep, want to go home, miss my bird ect, need my smokes, ect. I answer phones in a fulsely over the top manner, and smile and greet customers in the same way. soon as they are gone i am angry, and do nothing to hide it. eventully i ring my therapist, both of them, have a chat. they say to calm down and do what i am told by my parents. She disapproved of my 'scene' yesterday. finally i am at a point where i can no longer handle myself. i rind the local GP, make an appoint and im out the door so quick, right after bludging a few cigs off a work mate. (still storming,and smoking) the walk seems to take forever. perhaps it did. seemed like about 20mins half an hour. i am messed up, feel like crying and ripping my head off to give to a strager as a morbid, thankful gesture for their brilliant time/place skills. i get there and bang my head on the counter, tell the sec my name and take a seat. everyone is looking at me. i close my eyes and my head starts screaming the lyrics that have been in my head all day( RIGHT HERE IN MY MIND, ALL THESE VOICES, RIGHT HERE IN MY MIND...ALL THESE WORDS, RIGHT HERE IN MY MIND, ALL THIS MUSIC...AND IT BREAKS MY HEART, YEA BREAKS MY HEART.) Shit, how much longer eh? HOW MUCH LONGER DONT YOU REALIZE THIS IS A MOTHERFUCKING EMERGENCY???!

I get in the office. The guy is my dads doctor. he asks me how i am. he asks me what im on. he asks me weather i get depressed. he asks me wether i ever go out and spend all my cash. he asks me if i feel in danger. he asks me if i fell like harming myself. Killing myself.

DOCTOR: You have Bi-Polar.

ME: (mumbleing) Specalist says i dont.

HIM: Its as clear as day my dear. you need lithium

ME: dont want no more drugs

HIM: Its a minaral. *lists minarals and lithium is in there, im not paying attention, im worrying about how much longer i have begfore i break into peices on the floor and who's job it is to clean it up.*

Finally he understands. i cry. he tells me if i do what he says i can get better faster.

he wtrites out four perscriptions. i get them filled. i realise i will now be taking 7 pills a day, and it makes me cry again. i try to buy ciggaretts off the pharmasist. i take my shiz and get the hell out of there, head for the shell (petrol station) across the road. i only have 4 dollars because i spent the money mum gave me for meds on hair stuff... you know how it is with shopping, i really did need the stuff (??!)  so im heading over to the gas place, and i see a guy in his van with smokes so i bang on his window and try to buy them off him.

DARKLING: pleasesirthisisreallyrudeineedasmokepleasecanihaveasmokeicanpay you please? ionlyhavefourdollarsplease??!

STRANGER: sure dont go buy any love

HIS MRS: We dont really have time...*shoots me dirty look, i suspect its because of the way i am dressed*

HIM: Here yuh are lovie, you ok?

HIS MRS: put pedal to metal and gets the hell away from me.

Im still rolling, walking back to the clinic, i turn around and there is my sisters car..I am so lucky to have her... Mum is there and so is Connah (five mnth old nephew) i am crying again as i get in the car. then i have to tell the stupid story of what the hell i am doing in the middle of nowhere talking to people i dont know in order to gain their goods.

*sigh*

im ok now, although im now on

Antideppressants

Antiphychotic,AniOCD,Mood stablizer (seroquel)

Anticonvulsant

and whatever this purple one is... havnt got to that one yet.

I HATE MEDS I WANT TO DO IT ON MY OWN