to whom it may concern...im nuts...im nuts to the point that i dont know what im doing anymore with me or any other of mes...i know it doesnt make sense but a wise woman once told me that everything in life doesnt make sense and most likely never will..it happens to the best of us...ummm thats funny that wise woman was my mother the one person in life when i was ounger made me feel safe and made me feel whole till that one day my life somehow come crashing down piece by piece....wow its amazing....that the one person that pushed you out into this world can some how destroy the world they pushed you out into...i know for better or for worst yuo are suppose to love you mother no matter what things they have done to you..in my culture that is how things are you dont ask and they dont tell and that is what is wrong with that you dont have feelings and if you do that is a sign of weakness and a sign that you are weak wiilled..but i guess that is what i get some times..i have always been told im very strong willed and i have a strong personally and ican go through anything and be fine...eveyone in my family always looked to me for strentgh and to help mom out when she was boncing of the walls its funny im the youngest but still i have to carry my mom who by the way is almost a foot shorter than me and 100 lbs less than me to her bedroom and on the wya takes the punches and kickes she thoughts because someone said or did the worng thing and she is to drunk to realize what is going on around her...little does she know that her last born the baby of the fmaily has to take care of her beacause everyone eles is to scared to deal with her..but learned the tricks to her if her eyes are blood shot run away...if its 4 in the afternon she is drunk and by 530 she with be throwing punches at someone..so why did i get stuck dealing with her at what point did i miss that postit.....im the baby i shouldnt know about my mom and how much she drinks and how to find beer form her....i used to steal her beer and hide it in my rooom but i some learned that if she ran out than i woud have to go to the store with her while she was drunk and have to carry the case cuz she couldnt carry herslef let alone a beer case...lol i know its fucked up but that is the only way i know and the only way i can remember my child hood i dont talk about the late night trips to QD or the trips to the bar i had to take with my sister to pick my mom up form the bar no i dont talk about that i cant and someday i still wont but instead i hide most of my feelings with humor beacause that is way i was told to hide things but laughing at them and trying not to cry when your mom is pucking up blood cuz she drank to much and she hasnt eatten in days...yea wow fucked up anit it and the messed up part i thought that how all moms acted but they just didnt show it cuz other people where around....but i dont know my figures hurt and ill finish later