AGHHH TV is evil. but sometimes i like this evil drug. like i like six feet under. i like that a lot. am i in a morbid phase? here is a beautiful but creepy morbid song on video: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6180165614438890363&q=nick+cave

it is beautiful tho.

but this happy period thing...that is evil.

well it is moon time and there are special things about it. but i just have imbalance and the pain is so severe and the pms is so severely symptomatic for me. i mellow out during the period but then the pain kills me. but then i get vicodin and get woozy and weird. and the pain is never quite gone. hysterectomy is suggested and biopsy at least now, but i don't like anesthesia. i was sick for a month from it and i am afraid of dying. i also get weird flashes of the surgery i had. it is brutal. i don't know if it is my imagination or what but it makes me hurt in my scar tissue.

so i don't want to get another surgery ever again. but ugh. this pain. and then she said that i need to be healthier anyways for surgery or biopsy.

ah idid not mean totalk about health again. just happy periods.

well the good thing is i wrote a poem. but it is mediocre as most stuff lately. but at least it is a process going on--it leads into something else. i have to write some bad stuff before i get to the good stuff sometimes. my problem is i share it all. i just put it up. i just lose stuff otherwise. i really do. i lost so much.

oh man i am sad!

i was mad. now sad. i was all freaky tweaky telling j again that he better just go...that i am not good to be with and that it is not going to work and he should just go. i was having an alienation attack. it is like a panic attack but i am overcome by a feeling of being entirely alone even around people. so he just waited til i was better. he gave me a hug. he is a sweetheart.

i am confused.

sometimes i think this is a big game we play from another dimension. that we choose these characters for a while and we come here and lose our memories of the other place. but sometimes we get lost in the game. some of us are hurting nd lose the game. so some of us find each other and remind each other who we really are on some cellular level. perhaps. that is just one out of many possibilities, it makes me sad to think about this one. it is a long game. we get homesick. it is a learning game a part of education. somehow this place is important i think for learning boundaries. i think with its hard edges, this dimension, and its density keeps us in check about boundaries. we are always having to learn boundaries here. it seems this way to me. so that maybe in the less dense realms, the other kind of boundaries can then be worked on in another way. perhaps we need to learn this concrete way.

ok. yes that is very delusional sounding. i just like to travel and explore potential realities. that is all. i really don't know anything.