Hope and Acceptance

I am a forty-four year old woman with a diagnosis if schizo-affective disorder. I have a wonderful eighteen year old son, am extremely creative and considered odd in this world of odd ones. I have recently published my first collection of poetry in a book (Kindergarten for Grown Ups by pinuppoet) and am editing my second. I am very spiritual. My relationship with my higher power which I choose to call God is the most important relationship in my life, though my friendships rank a close second, next to family which are the only ones who have been there for me throughout my life. I have amazing friends, ones who listen and like to be listened to.

I enjoy calling people and leaving cheerful messages when I am having a good day.

Today was a rough one. I was dropped off by a roommate at the Dr’s office and left stranded with a bus schedule. I live in Kona, Hawaii and the bus system is a little unpredictable. I had my appointment as I am sick with a cold and set off for the bus.

I waited on a wall over looking the ocean as tourists walked by and locals came and went.

The bus never came and I spent the rest of the day trying to get home. By the end of the day I was tired and hungry, but I had faith that I would make it back to my group home eventually. I went back to the health clinic and contact was made with a case manager and I located a ride home.

I feel very fortunate to have survived as long as I have in the mental health system.

I have had many friends die from over-doses and drug and alcohol addiction.

I feel very fortunate to have been able to get sober five years ago and plan to continue for the rest of my life.

I have a great relationship with my family and my son, who I visit yearly. I have recently re-connected with my brother and hope to see my new nephew soon.

When I was nineteen I was diagnosed with multi-personality disorder and underwent therapy for it. It felt like I had been cut into little pieces and due to a failed integration I “shattered” three weeks later while I was in New York City…

I was raised in Salt Lake City, UT. My parents were loving and supportive although I was sexually abused by a male babysitter at eight. To this day I can not look at children without fearing for their safety.

Salt Lake City was very progressive as far as mental health services as far as I could tell.

The Clubhouse I attended as a young adult, day treatment and crisis services were all geared toward maintenance, recovery wasn’t as stressed as it is these days.

I lived in apartments usually in relationships and attended day services coming in and out of crisis.

When I was twenty-one I was President of New West Civic Club a non-profit co. for mental health consumers. We presented at Alternatives ’89 in a panel called “Take it to the Streets”. During this time I wrote eight scripts and hundreds of poems.

Most of them are lost due to my many moves.

I attended college at Southern Utah University and the University of Utah.

When I was twenty-four my play RITUAL KILLINGS was produced at the Lab Theatre at the U of U. It dealt with helping women heal from their child sexual abuse. Soon after I was married for the first time and had my son.

When my son was two I asked my parents to take his parenting over. It was more than I could handle.

Since then I have been through quite a life! I wouldn’t trade a moment of it, though a few were extremely painful. I know that between my friendships, and my higher power I can get through anything.

I now live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. I have priceless friendships, five years of sobriety under my belt and a hopeful career as a writer, perhaps more.

My son is also extremely creative and is involved with theatre and music as he is a senior in high school. Some days I cling to my Louise Hay book and hold on tight! Usually I have activities including writing, chores, internet time (I’m addicted) and time with my friends, not to mention acquiring coping skills, which I keep adding as needed.

I live in a group home in a small town, practice forgiveness and acceptance constantly.

I don’t lie or steal and I avoid conflict.

On special days I go to parties and dance, flirt and have “sober “ fun. I’m on the Board of Directors of the Hawaii Island Writer’s Association. I participate in an Artists community called Art for the Homeless, spreading homeless awareness. I do poetry readings and “slams” at Candyland Art Studio. I have several videos of my poetry readings. I do service work as often as possible. Sometimes I go to the beach with friends. I try to avoid romance any more, though I get beautiful crushes which move me.

If I could offer any advice to my peers it would be DON’T START SMOKING!!

That one habit has delivered me lower than anything else I think.

As for drinking, I can’t tell anyone else how to live their lives. We all have our own paths.

As I said before, I love my life and it is full and rich and painful and joyful and beautiful.

I know that if I weren’t mentally ill I probably wouldn’t have my creativity (I paint too)

And I wouldn’t be the person who I am. I like the person who I am and I wouldn’t change a thing! I have extreme gratitude for being supported by this country during my illness as an odd one ? especially though the financial crisis.

I recommend the belief that we are interdependent creatures. We all need each other and there is no such thing as normal. I recommend openness to a degree, though not to just anybody, a sense of humor, tact, courage and a good pair of shoes.

It helps to keep phone numbers of friends handy in case of emergency and enough money for the phone if one doesn’t have a cell phone (I don’t).

The most difficult part of my life is learning to let things go and not build up into deep resentments. As I said before, my relationships are so important and anger is a difficult thing to undo. An outburst could damage a friendship permanently.

Another difficult thing is not having a vehicle. I fear driving, my symptoms are too severe. So I’ve lived my life as a grateful passenger. I don’t hitchhike it isn’t safe for women anywhere.

I just live my life and try to feed as positively into the universe as possible. I believe in reciprocity and paying ones debts. I have loving values straying into being liberal. I am accepting of others and I find that that they are much more accepting of me than I expect.

I find that my head is my worst enemy. It lies to me. It tells me that people don’t like me though when I am around them I feel loved. I speak from my heart and make decisions from my gut. I haven’t been in trouble with the law for nearly twenty years.

I am a terrible housekeeper and a wonderful poet and listener.

I don’t feel nearly done, though I know that when God blows this wick out there will be quite a hollow place. For now I’m just waiting for the next wave.

Aloha, Cynthia Wicks