my thoughts teeter totter on the thin line so much these days.

its frightening to think I could go back to those feelings on a whim. I dont even want to go back there but who ever has control over something like that.

Did you know that smell is the closest thing tied to memory? For me that is so true. All my memoires have smells, sometimes I will walk out the door in the morning and smell a morning from when I was a child.

Today I smelled the hospital.

Its strange how I think about that place. Even though much of me hated it, another part of me loved it. It was a safe place for me. I guess that just shows how crazy I truly am. I smelled it and I missed it. I thought about the halls,the workers, the food, the rooms, the classes.

Art was my favorite. I never knew I loved painting. Every day a new canvas, just paint, and paint and paint. Beads, I liked the beads too. I miss painting.

I dont know, its just  lately I feel so unsafe, so fragile, that maybe I want that safety.

Honestly though its not just now, I think about the hospital more often then I would care to admit.

I have a lot of problems. I am bi-polar, I am an addict, I think that I am developing an eating disorder. I haven't admitted that to anyone yet just the strangers on the web. A lot of problems, more then I wish to write down, I dont want to create this sob story about my life, because through shit I made it, will continue to make it, and it could of always been worse. I am just saying that these are my thoughts lately....

Thinking about this place I went, the days and hours I spent there. I dont know this entry doesnt have a point. Just getting it out...I wish I could go back. Is that sick? I never can though.

This box around always seems to be getting thicker. Trapped inside a cage.