As hard as it is to find ways to talk about Mad burnout when we are rooted in our Mad communities, it has been something I'm thinking a lot about lately. I've been feeling a bit thread-handed myself, the kind of threads that are getting dirty from being held so tightly in my sweaty hands and starting to slip out of my grasp. Some of the threads I'm holding the tightest are the Mad activism I do and loved ones that are asking for my help and support. Some times I remember how grateful I am to have so many precious threads to hold on to in this life, because they form a net that keeps me here. Sometimes my hands get crampy and sore and I feel my grip slipping whether I want it to or not.

Mad activism feeds me in important ways. It keeps me engaged in the world and with others when I want to isolate, creates a safe space for sharing my Mad truth, and engages me in working with a community trying to create a space for Mad differences. This work has helped me find ways to be stronger and more stable amidst the chaos of my own mind and emotions, and has been one of the essential pieces in my journey away from seeing myself as "sick", to understanding that I am so much more than that. This Mad community gives me a place to be strong and supportive as well as dangerously gifted. It, and the people in it, are not something I value lightly or want to step away from.

It can also take a lot of time, energy and resources when my life is full and I'm needed in other ways. The nature of Mad activism led by a community of fellow Mad cats seems to require much supporting of each other, and so much room that needs to be left for everyone (myself included) to take time and space away to take care of ourselves in all the ways that nourish each of us individually. Lately I'm wondering, where do I get that space for myself when the spaces in my life (even those not officially named Mad) are all filled with or relating to Madness and the wonderful, complicated treasure trove of Mad people I care about dearly?

I wonder what to do when I can't be there in the ways that I want to for loved ones, which is happening much more than I'm feeling comfortable with lately. Someone I asked to trust me to be there for hir shared recently that hir cycling has gotten more rapid and severe, and ze had been calculating the weight and speed of a car to step in front of... and I felt nothing. I am the front line and the last line of defense for this dear one, and when I hit the crisis button, nothing happened. I have almost always been able to pull it together to be there for someone else, and right now my button seems to be temporarily broken, burned out, empty of empathy.

Then another close friend of mine asked for help, and my internal reaction was not empathy or worry, but almost inexplicably, anger. I realized that I am tired of finding ways to support this person, only to be told why she can't take care of herself. After watching this pattern over time, I ended up feeling resentful. I realized my feelings were a clear warning to me that I am not getting the support and self-care I need, and that I might need to change the way I am supporting others.

So I decided to take yesterday afternoon as down time to take care of myself and recharge. A friend from across the country who has just gotten out of an almost deadly, month-long hospital stay called, needing to talk for several hours. I didn't know what to do but listen with as much kindness and empathy as I could find, also knowing that being there for him was not what I needed the most in that moment.

Although these three situations are each individual and have their own dynamics, I am seeing an overall pattern of burnout that I can't ignore. I find that I am feeling tired and on edge, as if I'm hissing for everyone to leave me alone. Sometimes I feel like I don't have enough energy to do the Mad work I care so much about, and sometimes I wonder how to know if I'm giving too much. How do I balance being there for those in my life, both close and far, who are reaching out and needing support, with this activism work, and my own Mad needs?

I wish I had more of a clear answer to share instead of just my thoughts and experiences. I have been trying to envision what it could look like to be a community where no one has to be the strong pillar, by which I mean that we all have the freedom to flow between being strong/holding things together and needing support. I want a community that is strong and flexible enough all together that everyone can step back whenever they need to and trust that we will all flow around to give support wherever else it is needed in that moment.

So, do I honor this vision and step back and trust that my friends and community will sustain themselves without me? Is that what I need to do to deal with my burnout? Is separating myself from my community and loved ones really supporting myself if I do? I don't want to be disconnected, and as burned out as I am, that doesn't feel like the answer to me right now.

When I don't know the answers to questions like how to contain the burnout that threatens to consume me, I try to find new ways to listen, whether that's painting, writing, yoga, walking, meditating, or being in nature. When I can't hear the answers because of my own internal noise, and need help, I ask one of the people I trust to listen and then brainstorm answers with me. Right now, the people I would ask for help are some of the very people in crisis. ::sigh::

How do we throw water on each other when we are all burning?