...so it's the first one, i browsed the forums, i browsed the chat, i guess i'm not really to talk... writing a blog sounds a bit easier, my journal has been put away for so long, i think it's mad at me and won't let me in... about 2 yrs suspecting, 1 yr diagnosed, officially crazy, but i'm glad i'm not alone... about 10 months into lithium, not counting the weeks when i got off... got high, got dizzy and i decided to get back on... now i just forgot and i'm down, so down i'm scared of the world... i'm afraid of myself, i'm afraid of the gift, i thought i was ok, but i guess i still have much to admitt... are you out there? more like me? can i see you? can you explain the hows, whens, whys? can u explain this rollacoaster i'm on...  so tonite i'll take my lithium again, because i need to be numb... i sitll don't know how to go w/the flow, how to be thankful for my gift, how to stop calling it a curse...

...because i still don't understand why, because i wish soon to find out...