It's been a while since I've felt as bad as this. Too often I just blame somebody else and have done with it but when all you have to blame is yourself you really wonder just how to deal with it.
My periods of manic upbeatness have been increasingly unstable and increasingly negative I don't think I've been through a day where I have not raised my hand to my head in crude semblance of a revolver and mimiced blowing out my self destructive brains.
I'm maturing though I no longer expect someone to appear and make me better with some textbook romance, if somebody made the mistake of wanting a relationship with me I would without intending to just drive them away again.
I am turning into what I hate, I am becoming a mess of a human being, ocassionaly I get up on stage and I play a song and for a while I'm okay, but it's getting more and more difficult to drag myself and my guitar along, because lets face it, I don't follow the mainstream and whilst that's just great when you meet someone likeminded, while thats just the business for someone as arrogant and dislikable as myself it sure results in you feeling lonely and outcast for most of your time.

What I hold on to is that I am not so far gone that I cannot recognise my behaviour as being totally unacceptable and worryingly self destructive, if I can see that as clear as daylight then there is hope and a lot of it, that I have not descended into the spiral of drink and drugs is a real bonus and a kind of headstart in this marathon I've yet to run.
Perhaps I'll never really be normal or balanced but if I can rein myself in, bring myself back to some sembance of stability then that will be enough.