at least for now, that whole jealousy thing is feeling really stupid. ::shakes head:: what was i thinking?

i know that ben loves me. the struggle over my feeling sexual and attractive in this relationship is my struggle. he is where he is, and i love him and he loves me. i want that to be enough.

right now ashtree and guthrie are here. my living room is a bike shop at the moment. which is okay by me. :) i can't even imagine why i felt strange about ben and ash. if he has more love in his life, his life gets better. that's enough.

and so. i woke up this morning at 6am from a nightmare. not the one i've been having; this was a flashback nightmare to something that happened almost 25 years ago. the thing is, i've been working for several days now on looking at my choices and acknowledging my mistakes. friday it seemed like i couldn't live with my past (and present, and future) mistakes. yesterday and today it's more about figuring out how to live with the consequences of my choices.

i wrote this in my paper journal today:

last night's dream was of destinee. why is my mind throwing this at me now? so i can blame myself more? i wrote this poem in february, on the 24th anniversary of her birth and death.

24
years ago i was
14

24 years ago today
i was giving birth
to a tiny fragile
baby girl

my destinee

too small to take
her first breath
they whisked her
away
they said it was
for your own good dear
it's really a blessing

what must i have
looked like to them
saying i fell
refusing to say
a word
against him
and he told them
i found out later
that he found me
like that
drunk and coked out
giving birth at
14
after obviously being
beaten

just another
wayward girl
lost at
14

somehow i blamed
only myself
not him
my destinee was
doomed
anyway

if i had done it
at the clinic
she would be dead
and he would
not have
had to
beat me
push me
down the stairs
kick my belly
till the pains
came
till the blood
flowed

if he hadn't done it
she would still have been
doomed
born addicited
like her girlmom

i never held her
i never even saw her
really
a brief glimpse
of something unbelievably
small
and red
when the nurse took her
away

when my boys were small
i taught them
there is no away

she was taken away
she was thrown away
there is no away
where is my destinee?

24
years ago i was
14

i feel like nothing's really changed since friday except my ability or unwillingness to put up with it. how long will i still be able/willing to do that?

want to comment but don't want to register? email me.