what are my senses...

i'd like to keep my secrets...

the five senses include sight, taste, touch, smell, and hearing, right. uhm, so in my life my senses tell me to cling myself to anyone that pays the slightest bit of attention and then when they get a little attatched i scream and yell for them to get the fuck away. my senses make me cry for hours on end for no fucking reason or until i pass out cuz i'm too tired to cry anymore to wake up to cry a little bit more cuz obviously it hasn't been enough for whatever i may have done. i have this fucked up thing going on, this image of myself in a year or two laying on my bedroom floor drinking from a bottle of jack or gin pills on the floor my eyes wet and red laughing but mostly crying thinking about my mistakes and all my lies and today i caught myself looking online at guns. how to buy a gun in new york city. how to get a handgun license in nyc. it seems like way too much effort and i'm too tired i had passing thoughts about breaking into a friends house and stealing their parents handgun just to have with me, just in case. in case i couldn't take it anymore. i can't seem to wake up from this nightmare- more than four years of this pain it's really dragging me back down. i can't hold on forever. life is too short and this shit hurts too much it's not worth it. i'm just waiting for it to end, waiting for my guts to pull the trigger.

i can't understand why i always want to blackout or lay on some floor to pass out or sleep or take pills and throw up or cut my arms and laugh so i won't cry again. i could tell a doctor and have them put me in some scary hospital cuz i'm too much a mess and then i can be fucked up more from that.

but i'd rather lie.

i don't know if this fight is worth it or not. what are my senses telling me to do. i don't know what's wrong with me. maybe i'm just depressed but sometimes it feels like more.