i keep hating myself more and more. everyday i waste so much. everyday i confess so much. in my head. try to bury myself alive. act like i'm empty. but i'm full to the brim. all these emotions flowing through my body, waves crash into, always so unexpecting. i keep getting pushed down. i can't keep it together. i keep losing myself. forgetting and remembering and forcing things out. forcing things at all. i'm a mess. thinking about ruining myself all over again till it hits me back. like my first time. i want to die. i hate myself for the relationships i've made, making it so fucking hard to let go. i want to let go. i dont want to hurt anyone. i just want to go. i want to melt away. i wanna go away. i don't want to love anyone anymore. i don't want to feel so clingy. i get so attatched. i don't want that. why does that happen? i want to let go. i want to let them all go. disconnect. i want to see the blood drip down my arm. i want to steal my life back. away. i don't know what i'm feeling. i don't have anything to say. i don't remember ever feeling happy. i see the difference between good things and bad things. i make choices. i know my patterns. they're hard to describe. i can't understand anything that's happened to me. i want attention. then i want to fuck the world over. disappear.

just some weird feelings i'm having right now.

probably be something a little different tomorrow or later this week.

xx