Yesterday I had to call the hotline for my health provider while I was at work. You see, my Wellbutirn consumption was upped and soon I will be eating three pills a day like a greedy little pill moster. I called the prescription hotline and was confronted by my worst fear when it comes to health insurance provider customer service hotlines: The automated voice response system.

When I'm at home making these calls to the health insurance gods who's fists are filled with cash I have no problem dealing with the voice response system. Since I only own a cell phone and have no land line I actually prefer the voice response system. It's when I'm in a place that offers no privacy that I dread the VRS. Sounds like a venereal disease doesn't it? In some cases it's just as bad.

"But, Robot, why do you dread this VRS so? You only have to say yes or no," you may say to me. Oh no my dear internetz this is no longer the case. I had to say my birthdate not once but twice. The first time they decided that I was born in 1908.  It was what came after that that threw me for a loop. I had to state which medication I was calling about.  Still this wouldn't have been so bad had I been calling about my Lamictal or my Abilify. Most people where I work would have no idea what those were. I would gladly yell LAMICTAL or ABILIFY a thousand times over.

My luck was not so good yesterday. Yesterday I was calling about the Wellbutrin and thanks to lots of commercials that play on televisions around the country just about everyone knows what Wellbutrin is. So, I became a low talker. "Wellbutrin," I whispered into the phone.  "LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN!" the automated voice yelled at me because it didn't hear me clearly.  "Wellbutrin," I said a little louder. The automated voice was loud enough for the both of us. You could hear it clearly from the hallway. "I THINK YOU SAID WELLBUTRIN. DID YOU SAY WELLBUTRIN? SAY YES IF YOU SAID WELLBUTRIN!" the voice yelled.  Oh.My.Goodness.

In the end I had to yell "representative" into the phone a million times so that I could get an accurate price quote. Once I got the representative I had to low talk again but the representative I think was used to people low talking. Perhaps he was well acquainted with the world of espionage where people low talk all the time. In any case I made it to the other side of the prescription hotline bridge with only a few scrapes and bruises. The damn bridge collapsed but I hear they're building a new and improved one for the year 2009.