It's been six weeks since I've been released from the hospital. With no medications or drugs whatsoever I've found myself isolated, unstable, and unable to function.  Suicidal thinking and various distrubing symptoms such as catatonia and mental stupor have led me to decide that I believe it's best if I am under professional help, and as such, have set up therapy and psychiatry appoints, and have visted a doctor (who said my symptoms were not evident of a physical problem which is a bit of relief, unless my psychiatrist gives me another opinion).

Do I nessicarily think that my experiences and the way I interpret reality be accepted as invalid? No. But the problem is, I am unproductive.  In this society I am unable to function and can only act as a leech while unable to work(I couldnt even get disability without seeking some sort of treatment).  I have no useful skills in this world and I cannot do anything when I am so overly emotional and anxious at times, and have extreame difficulty concentrating.  My only responsibilities in the world right now are a chemistry class (as I've dropped my pre-calculus class) and it is the hardest thing in the world for me just to be able to sit down and do my work.

As I was near a suicide attempt I went into a dream state that was thought to me as a preview of death, I saw a girl who promised to meet me in eternity there and I couldn't help but see the small possibility that we could be together, or that I could experience another close connection to another person, despite how small the chances seem now.  Though it seems hopeless, and though I can't function now, as long as I'm alive, the possibilites of dreams coming true are always there.  There is a part of my mind that wants things that is usually kept silent, but always there whether I'm conscious of it or not.

I am so exhausted from my hallucinations and stressed from life and scared of myself that I am perfectly willing to accept pills from a doctor. 

Many say (and I believe it's part of this communities message) that medication is not the answer, but what are my other choices?  I've never wanted to accept that I may in fact have something wrong with me but I recently have given up on my ego.  It's not worth fighting, and if someone were to seriously analyze my life and what I've been experiencing the past 7 years and say that it is somehow my fault, and that if I would just shift my thinking or meditating would return me to functionality, I would have to say that person is flat out wrong, and I am way, way, way, past that.

I'm placing my faith in what psychology and science (psychology is science based correct o.O?)  for now, and it's absolutely nessicary to me that I give it all a fair chance and be really honest with myself about it. 

The part of me who was brilliant, a genius, full of energy, love, and hope is sick, and I can only hope he will show himself some day, in a way that is somewhat productive to myself, for I have all of eternity to be dead, and most likely 60 years at the most to be alive/suffer.

Good luck people
-LL