I can’t move
And yet I have to move
If only to keep breathing
Frantic my thoughts are flying again
Addiction indecisive passive passionless
 
I want
Again I want all I ever do is want
And never go after anything never move a muscle
Wait for it to come to me
Wait for something bigger to decide
Can’t breathe can’t breathe
 
I wa…
I can’t finish the statement
Angry that my thoughts perpetually lean that way
I want I want I want I want I want
And I want
I want to stop wanting
To be content here
 
I feel constrained like someone is holding me from behind
And no matter how hard I struggle
I stay trapped
I trap myself
Into tiny corners
Panic is my muse
And I’ve let myself down again
 
I’m not going to give up I just want to rage
To scream to run push and tell you what you did to me
You betrayed me
I trusted you and I feel like you’ve been informing against me
The whole time earning my trust and selling me out
I live paranoid that everyone is talking about me
That no one remembers me
That death is right around the corner
 
I lie
My world is built on lies
A fragile tower that only an actor can keep stable
Juggling lies like juggling balloons
Easy
Throw in one with helium
I’m scrambling one day I’ll have to tell the truth
That I love who I am
This mystique I’ve built on nothing
 
At the same time I hate who I am
And I can wear a thousand different masks
Layered one on top of the other
Pick a face
I’ll tell you what you want to hear
Tricky that way
 
What you think you know
Odds are it’s at least 15% fiction
Memories are fabricated and destroyed at will
I don’t know what’s real and what’s not
So I don’t bother to play by the rules
They never applied to me in the first place
 
Bitter pill isn’t it?
 
I don’t know who I am
Who I was
What my life has been
Where I have and haven’t been
The lines between dreams and reality are only vague shapes
If you squint you might see them
But they come and go at will
 
My life is an elaborate scripting
A play no one understands
And when I run out of script?
I switch plays
 
I can create and justify entire back stories
My mind does not function within the confines of reality
What you don’t know?
I don’t trust myself
Because I know what parts of me are capable of
Jeffery Dahmer was just like you and me, then something snapped
 
Parts of me are quiet and brittle
I snap often
Internally I am tied together with string
And bloody bandages
I love pity
It’s like the taste of blood to me
Sinister dark and twisted
 
But am I real?
I never know
I don’t know who I am or
If
I am
 
Inside I am a jack of all trades divided up
Like a broken mirror
 
The life I’m told to lead
Bores me
So I create something far greater
The best part
I get to push you away
Because I’m afraid that the truth will turn out
That I really am just quiet
Scared
An eight year old
Living a fantasy
One part dream
One part nightmare
All fiction
Distorted and cramped into my mind
 
I don’t want reality
Because trusting you
Is scarier than anything my mind can generate
 
Welcome to my manic.