I have to go to the social security office soon. I have to get documentation there and from the dreadful bank (I am sure they all think I am going to rob it) and then bring it over to Section 8. The case worker there is very mean. I asked for accomodation for my disability. I am not classified as disabled for fibromyalgia and chronic active epstein barr but they are going on, and the mental whateverness that follows a relationship gone bad...my joints are all acting up, my hips even and it hurts to walk. I am so mad. There was too much stress for nearly three months non-stop and this started acting up again. I was not eating well either. I lost ten pounds ormaybe more by now but you wouldn't notice under this belly. I think I lost more. I don't keep a scale here.

I want to move to Berkeley and get medical marijuana. I need that right now. I need something. I was thinking of picking some prickly poppy in the desert for some mild opiates...it is more mild than vicodin. Not like opium or anything. It has been used by Mexican people for centuries tho the books will tell you it is toxic. I never had a problem with it. I make tea or smoke it. It is legal for now. Well no one really likes to deal with picking it. It is very prickly. Ganja would be best tho grrrr.

So if I don't do this social security documentation thing and such I will lose housing...today is the very last day. I am so sick too. It is the worst day ever and I am heartbroken somewhat too (tho a little relieved too, long story I don't want to tell)....

Ugh heartbroken. Am I really? ugh not fucking again.  He was a jerk right? Not really. It was a hard time. He is not evil but I am still mad. Maybe mad at my self. Oh well he is gone now. His stuff is all over the place tho and he has to come back and get it sometime.

I hate money but I want it right now. I want actually things it buys not it itself. I want green leafy thing. I want that for free really. I want freedom to grow green leafy thing. Ugh it would help this nausea so much and pain.

I looked a bit at Navigating the Space...blogged it on stumble. It made me cry. I was holding in tears a while. I feel sad being locked out of the disc ussion forum. I guess we will figure it out eventually.

I got a computer as an xmas present. It is weird eating food bank food and having a new computer. That seems so American for some reason. ugh. I want to immigrate to Norway. No. I don't know. South America has some socialism going on, maybe I should go there.

I am changing mental hell agencies. I should write a post on just that soon on what I will be saying to the Arizona State Board of Medical Examiners about the hospital the former agency runs and the human rights abuses I experienced and witnessed there 8 years ago. I am just beginning to verbalize it. It is sooo hard to write it out tho. I have a block. i can't say much now as the old agency still handles me in the transition process. oh ugh I still have to fill out that form shit.

Ok off to social security hell. That section 8 case worker was just mean. I can't walk without pain right now. My hips are really hurting. I go to the integrative medicine clinic next week by the way and they will have finally a treatment plan for me.

I am not gonna live long I think. Not to be morbid. But I read up on this kind of epstein barr and having titers over 1000 when too high is 120...I qualify to get Lupus or MS from it or to die of organ failure. I am detached now but I think it is bothering me. I am not meaning to depress anyone. Death is not the worst thing tho. I am not suicidal tho. I intend to get as well as I can and adapt the best I can.