So, all I have to do is write something here from time to time, and I'll have a blog? All right, I'll see what I can do...

I was baptized Mary Elizabeth, after the Mother of God and the mother of the Baptist. I added Therese of Liseux when I was confirmed. After is my new name-- it isn't a fake name I hide behind; it's another real name. It stands for a lot of things, some of which I haven't discovered yet: After I escaped my parents. After I escaped the doctors. After I detoxed from lithium. After, someday, I learn to use the mind I was born with-- or what's left of it.
Those are sentence fragments-- that bothers me, but I'll leave them alone for now. I am After. Mary Elizabeth Therese of Liseux After, Last Name Withheld, Last Name Soon To Change Anyway... I'm getting married next December to a man my parents have never met. MCP is a man my parents would hate, because he has something they lack-- something that would save them, and so they've construed it as the ultimate enemy. MCP is free. This makes as little sense as the sentence fragments, but I'll leave it. I am After.

I'm a psychiatric survivor and a child abuse survivor; one facilitated the other. I don't like my story... as a writer, I find it hard to believe. I've tried writing it out in this space three times, and now i'll stop. I'll try again farther down the line.

I believe in God-- that'll get me some enemies here, I suppose. Someone who's been through what I have ought to have had such belief ground out of her, but it hasn't been. I know there's a God. I believe in good and evil, Heaven and Hell, angels and demons. I believe that angels are standing between me and my past... and that's the only reason I have the courage to speak at all.

I don't believe in mental illness exactly, but i do believe in symptoms. I have severe, crippling anxiety. I think I also have dysmorphia. I hate my body. That was beaten into me, at least verbally. I can't look at pictures of myself. I believe I'm an ugly freak. So I hide online behind avatars like Vermeer's Girl With A Pearl Earring-- pictures of flawlessly beautfiul women. I'm not sure how to get out of this yet. I feel like I should do something drastic to beat it. I should post a real photograph of myself, just to force myself out of hiding... but i'm not that strong yet. Maybe later.

I want to be a writer. I love fantasy, science fiction and myth: Dr. Who, Narnia, Tolkein, Thor comics, anything like that. I wish I was a ninja or a superhero or a demigoddess-- someone who could make things happen. I can't make things happen.

I don't know where this is going or even if I'll post again. I don't like what I've written. I want to erase it, but I'll let it stand for now. I am After.