for two days j and i have hardly been connecting. i suppose it could be blamed on the period and my mood, i don't know. he seems distant. i told him to warn me if he abandons me. he said he is not going anywhere. then on the other hand, at times, when bickering, i told him to leave, but he seems to realize these things are popping out of my mouth without much thought. i am sad tho. confused. he and i both are generally nice people and most the time pretty nice to each other. i feel bad when i get this way. i don't know what way i am but it is not so nice. he writes one word in his blog today "patience." i know he is needing patience to deal with me, he does not read this one. i guess that is ok if he reads it. but he doesn't.

i talked to lizzie some and somehow she and i get each other laughing hysterically about the state we are in. she and i are in synch with the hormones somewhat. she and i tend to laugh a lot when we write songs together. well some of them are sort of a mix of serious and funny. she is good with doing that. we wrote the medication blues together. she joined here, lizzieloca, but has not gotten into the groove yet. i think she will introduce herself eventually. she is a sweet woman.

i desperately need and want a bath but i can not deal with cleaning the tub and the kitty litter in there needs changing ugh. i better do at least that, poor rosie. my cat is rosie the rivetor.

my friend sent some beautiful textiles from japan. very very nice. i had stumble blogged his textile blog and he said he got more traffic than ever. that is a good site for spreading information or promoting. anyways, he sent me gorgeous shawls and scarves and other fabrics, and also all these little carved buddhas. he is the one who had st. dymphna the cat before me, then he had to move and she moved in with me. dear old st. dymphna. he has been in japan a while. he teaches at a buddhist school. he will not kill anything, not even roaches. he will catch and release roaches. i am not sure how to do that. i am back to eating meat and feel guilty. he knew me as a veg. back then we were tour buddies following around the grateful dead.

last night i was talking with j about christianity--he is a christian--but the very cool kind, very earthy and into liberation theology basically--and well i was being challenging. i think i am agnostic for now. well it can change daily. i am a magical realist agnostic tho. i mean i strongly believe in many possibilities. my mind is open to them. i don't know-- i asked something cliche that atheists often ask, about why does god cause suffering, etc. something like that. then there was a loud knock at the door. this was very late too. then this guy starts talking in spanish "jesus? jesus?" it was weird. the spanish jesus--i can't type accents. i am not sure how, it was weird tho.

then i had dread as the US bombed somalia looking for terrorists.

then i read that an asteroid may hit us in 2029 on a friday the 13th, that really sucks. i don't want to die like that. i hope it passes by. i hope they don't take advantage of our fears just to develop first strike capability. ugh. but we are rather vulnerable here.

i momentarily felt sorry for bush. it was weird. it must feel bad to be him really.

i am sad but i keep thinking i am not really depressed as i am too agitated on this effexor that i can't get off of. but by all appearances i am depressed...dirty hair, stinky, needing to shave pits, in nightgown hag mode for i don't know how many days...not able to function much, not able to drive. but it is all pain. it can turn into depression i guess but it is physical pain and also having had the flu too long and a screwed up immune system due to ptsd.

i don't know what i am. effexor has to go tho. too agitated. the new drug, equetro may calm me down  a bit tho. i think it is ok and maybe i can take this and get off the abilify. so far so good but i am at a low dose and i am afraid the nurse getting me the meds lately til i see my doc in march, i am afraid she will keep pushing the "therapeutic level" which for some odd reasong they think is the same for everyone...

but so far i am not sick on equetro like i was on tegretol. i guess i will see what happens. it is a new form of tegretol. i will still have to get blood checked. i can't have grapefruit either. i need to find out why, and i have to be careful in the sun which is hard in arizona. i had to take a friend to the hospital before for iv rehydration when the sun and meds mixed badly with him... i just know how sick i get all summer. i am scared of summer. it is so hard with chronic fatigue. they say we have issues with electrolytes somehow.

i want to be free of the health misery. i don't know. one step at a time. it is all i can do. i am out of cayenne. i hope i will be able to pee. ugh. i guess i better try to get some cayenne. it was a god send for that one problem that had been caused by meds--risperdol being a suspect.

the health misery is weird because it is all stuff that is not too terrible but there jusr are so many issues and quirky ones too and they all pile up. they pile up and i get so overwhelmed. i seek means of escape sometimes.

then sometimes, like magic, i will feel ok sometimes, briefly. i am loving life then. well i am always loving life as much as it hurts.

when i think of asteroids and such i suddenly start feeling religious and feel like praying, hehe. maybe i can send an sos out to the aliens. i mean where are the aliens? surely we can't be alone in this vast universe, besides tiny microbes. whoa i just got an intense deja vu. major one. that was trippy.

j is asleep again. i am sad. maybe he has a touch of this flu tho, he seems to need to sleep lately. i am sad tho. i guess it is normal tho for people to be briefly a little distant sometimes. i guess it is pretty normal.