hey, did i ever tell you i basically had a twin when i was a crazy alien fetus baby thing in my mom's uterus? i kindasorta had a twin, but not exactly because it was a tumor. or maybe a bunch of tumors? a bunch of tumor twins? i dunno, something like that. there was a tumor, anyway, and it was growing at the same rate i was, if not faster, so it was practically my twin. just not human. it makes sense, doesn't it? HA, IT TOTALLY MAKES PERFECT SENSE, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT! my twin was a tumor! or maybe i was the tumor, and i just learned eventually to breathe, walk, talk, eat, drink, poop and pee, drool and cry, and kindasorta act like a human a little bit? but really i am not a human, but something else? i dunno, it's an idea that's rolling and squishing and floating around in my brain now, maybe different from all the electrikal zapping and zipping. i wonder what the surgeons did with that tumor after they took it out. that was basically my twin. i hope they burned it. i want my body to be burned after i die. i don't wanna be buried really. well, maybe, cuz then i'd get eaten by bugs. but i think the carbon and various gases and whatever else in my body might pollute the earth, cuz supposedly that's what corpses do sometimes? not sure really. anyway it would be neat to be burned cuz i've always liked fire and i think i would appreciate that, my spirit-brain would, after i'm dead. i think my tumor-twin was sexless, or maybe its sex was blurry and ambiguous, and it had no gender or a lot of genders, so i was sort of the opposite cuz i had a sex but it was the wrong one, and i had a gender that was correct but not congruent with my reproductive organs. i don't want to reproduce anyway, not really, because there are already enough humans littering the planet, and eventually the Earth is going to rid itself of us anyway with diseases, more and more extreme storms and weather, and also let us continue to over-reproduce and there will be so much hunger and thirst that a great many of us will become cannibals and eat the flesh of acquaintances and drink their blood and our own filtered piss, and use each other's bones and skin and hair to construct tents and clothing and tools. And after the Earth has rid itself of us, as the host exterminates the parasite, it will inhale deeply and let out a great sigh of relief (for what an awful mess that last experiment was!), and begin to heal and replenish itself with, shed its old dirty scarred and calloused skin to reveal a new one, and expel new lives from its countless pores.

i am naming my dead twin of a tumor. it's name will be Oskar. and maybe Oskar is buried or burned or wandering (rolling, twisting, crawling) in it's ghosty tumor form accompanied by my ghosty former self that seems more like a twin now, lost and waiting for me, Nyrac. i thought i might've killed her accidentally (maybe a tiny bit on purpose) cuz i just wanted her to go away for a while, but she wandered off all hurt and confused and sad and now i'm all alone. i am a boy on his way to becoming a man, but i think i'm stuck between those doors until i find my former self, that possible-girl person, and properly and respectfully explain myself, what i did, what i've done, and make up with myself. cuz i feel like she probably died when she was 15 and i was just walking around in her corpse for three years, and then on that third year, i reanimated it with electric serum injectables, but had already pushed out her spirit because only so many people can live inside one body weighed down with all this sadness & fear & anger. cuz that's what happens when you shove a wild animal in a cage and torture it for years and then let it out, it'll be traumatized and all fucked-up and scared shitless and hurting and try to attack and kill everything it comes across because that's all it knows and all it can see. except for those little elf babies and their fairy and gnome parents that let it come forward on its own time and fed it and treated it with care and took it into their family. they loved it deeply and love is the only thing that can maybe undo all that damage, but it takes ages, and it's not finished yet. they forget it's a wild animal and forget how broken it is because they're too close to it to see it clearly. something that is wild by nature you can never completely tame.