The questions begin:

Is this something of my parents or by my parents?

Is this of God’s design or is it modifiable?

 

Examples:

Q: Why does it feel normal to be with a woman?

A: Organic/Intrinsic Organic in that I’ve been infatuated with women long before any abuse, which was pulled from some rudimentary need somewhere deep with the primal recess of the brain. The passion, lust, want, need and overall insanity of loving another could never be controlled, manipulated, or changed. This is my design, and therefore unchangeable.

 

Q:Why do I drink?

A: Environmental/Conditioned 

Environmental in that I’ve been exposed to the drinking environment since birth until now and probably into forever. It is conditioned in that I was taught this coping skill for the same amount of time. Life, death, weddings, divorces, and celebrations were all accompanied with a drink. This is not of my design and therefore modifiable.

 

And so why do I studiously tread the ground between these two questions of existence? Simply because in understanding my design, essential elements to the basis of my condition, I can apply the theory of living my life to new/challenging events while remaining true to my nature, true to myself while taking simple notes on improvements.

 

Q: Define your bipolar disorder

A: Organic/Intrinsic AND Environmental/Conditioned

It is organic in brain chemistry, intrinsic in that it’s part of who I am, environmental in that I’m a product of an unstable home life, and conditioned in coping by means of addiction/codependent cycles, abuse patterns, and neglect/abandonment effects.

 

So sometimes my problem is completely the mind, sometimes it’s a trigger of the environment, sometimes it’s just the cognitive impairment caused by failure to thrive. Sometimes it’s a combination of a little bit or all.

 

Overall, what this definition has allowed me is the freedom to be myself because I am a product of design and environment. I am a child born and living of this world with a vast schism of defects and yet I’m still a good person. Still a child of God, of my parents, of Love, of Life, and of Laughter.

 

There are some things I can change about myself. I consider myself a constant work in progress. Yet, there are some things that are melded into my bones, parts of me marbalized and always. These are the parts I take responsibility for when they over ride progress and recommit me to the lower ground.

 

 Despite all of the odds, I have built a home with a loving partner, remained faithful, stayed mostly true, and fight the good fight. Despite all of the crap shit heap of a start I got, I’m going to see this through to the finish because fuck if I let them take me down. Fuck if I allow my circumstance devour my dreams, hope, and wants.

 

But this is all just for now.