I introduced myself over in the forum last week, so, I don't have to repeat what was written there. I figure that I can write here from time to time just to vent to a group of folks who may have some understanding of what it's like to live with mental difficulties. Maybe my words will help somebody out or maybe somebody will help me out after reading these words?

Anyhow...what's happening right now....in my world that I can relay to you?

December was good! Of all months, December was good to me! I work in a job where November and December are really busy. These two months set the course financially for our business for the next year. We shovel skate, surf, and snow goods out our doors either online or out of our store. I work the online part of the gig. I see every order that comes in monday-friday and have to deal with the mostly gracious public on the phone from time to time. I only work 5 hours a day, but more during the busy months. I find it amazing that my health lasted as it did!

January 1st shows up and my mental and physical health take a turn. I can always feel that mental change coming. It's hard to explain, but I go from a somewhat together person to someone who begins to have unwanted thoughts, anxiety,and paranoia. I tend to become clumsy, my vision gets weird, I get unmotivated art-wise, and I have noticed that I am more critical of my job and other people during this time. My body also seems to hurt more. I have about 30 years of skateboarding injuries under my belt and they all seems to resurface when things change. The back especially plays a roll in my discomfort.

Through this down time, I am never so down or out of it that I can't get out of bed, not go to work, take care of the usual things. But it does make everything tougher. The mental part of it does get to me. This month, I have had a few times where I felt like if I let my thoughts go to far, I could really lose touch with reality. Then I start considering meds...which I have yet to really attempt. I always get to that point where meds might come into play then I clear up a feel better for a few weeks. Normal life resumes! Then...the change comes......on and on. I am always puzzled how I never had this mental change when I was drinking. About 1.5 months after I stopped drinking I started to lose it mentally. I know that I was going though a withdrawal period that can last up to two years, but I was supposed to be getting better. It's been about 17 months now. I can relay that I have had a history of depression, but nothing that overwhelming and certainly no OCD type thoughts. Could drinking have masked the bipolar stuff for so many years? Jeeeeez!

I will continue to do all my healthy things and get through this period of whatever "it" is. Bipolar...OCD....Withdrawals....

I'll chime in another time with more.

Eric