.ooohhhhh.  i hate this.

when i was younger, i just sorta dealt with everyone.  i think being stoned helped.  i was so used to abuse that i didn't really notice it.  i was a bitch to people i thought were shallow posuers, whatever that means, like bands that sang all punk rock but i knew went to art school and never had been in a fight.  i was wonderful to prostitutes and hitmen.  i considered most people stupid and shallow unless they had been through hell.  so i made excuses for junkies setting the housesd on fire when nodding off with cigarettes and for thieves who stole from "rich college students". i don't think i even knew that other people had problems if their problems were not about sleeping under bridges or being suicidal.  i sided with the poor and the oppressed in all things.  i villianized anyone who was doing well in a corrupt society.

i just don't know. when i moved to LA and became a "normal house wife" to an abusive jerk with a good job and no history of addiction or homelessness, i tried to get along with other people.  but they were so mean about my mental health issues.  they said racist things and had no clue.  they liked to shop for fun.  they went to AA to meet famous men.  they cheated on their spouses. they did yoga meditations meant to gain them more money.  then i moved to VT and tried to get along with a state filled with people whose sons aree in the military because there is no work here.  i even would ask them to explain how they supported that in a nice way, a hopeful way that they could get me to understand why an illegal invasion to help big business that involves the murder of civilians for a system that abandons its verts anyway made any sense. then they never talked to me again.  i was actually hoping they'd change my mind so i could support the war and not be so upset with the world.  oh well.  obviously they had no points to make.  well, some would say they need money, but i asked if they supported gangbangers who kill for money due to no opportunities they live and they said no, but this VT and there are no gangbangers, so they probably don't understand what i meant.

i had to hide my past in these two places.  i had to learn to listen to people complain about fears of losing their mansions - when at the same time they'd tell me they decided not to let their friend who lost her condo crash with them.  i had to learn to listen to so much bullshit.

i don't want to act better than everyone.  so i smile and nod, i am supportive.  i am a kick ass empath, i work as a psychic mostly, so i can understand people's traumas and issues.  however, they cannot do it back.  you give them an ear, and they take it, but they don't return the favour.  i guess they don't know what to say when i talk about flashbacks and suicidalness.

the people who do understand are usually the people i left - the homeless junkies.  oddly enough they are the same people who gave me PTSD with their rapes and violence and murders.  i cannot go back to them, but i don't fit in with "normal society" either.

and now that i am awake to my trauma history, i am supersensitive to abuse - i am constantly getting rid of friends when i think they are abusive, and i really don't have a clue if they are.  it's like everythibng feels triggering and insulting.  i leave people when their sheltered politics offend me.

my therapist says i see things as life or death, black and white, because those punk rock years were really life or death all the time. and now that i am in a much more grey world, i am so messed up.  i know only two reactions - terror or dissociation.  any conflict with people feels life or death and i run, where as when i was younger i could not financially leave, so i dissociated.  but it's not life or death now. it could be a conflict over their views on something trival and i'll blow it out of proportion as i9f they are someone a moral threat to my safety and making the world dangerous by liking the TV show weeds or something. (which i think is a very racist show.)

i used to just run and hide, and now i try to speak up for myself but i come off way too crazy and reactionary.  it's like i never saw abuse anywhere and now i see it everywhere.

i am really hoping i get over this somehow when i move to saugerties this week.  i am going to meet new people and i don't want to attack them.  i am an extrovert and the 3 years in total isolation in VT has killed me.  i need validation and love and support but i judge everyone so harshly and then judge myself even more.  i understand why no one wants to talk to me, and i am angry too about that.  i feel so unskilled at this.

i don't know what makes a person good and safe and worthy of my time, and what doesn't.  i don't know what makes me good and safe and worthy of anyone else's time.  this grey world is killing me.....