i am just feeling bad, i missed the doctor and stayed in bathrobe and nightgown all day. j slept. he was up all night, i was up here and there, night and day. the mountains were beautiful in the early morning with misty clouds and snow all over them. tucson is surrounded in mountains.

j still loves me in nightgown hag mode. i try to wash up...i need a shower tho, well a bath would be best for these aches but i think i have to clean the tub.

it was wet outside. my once wonderful morning glory filled yard is dead, all chopped down by stupid landlords. i am angry too they killed the leafcutter ants out back. i am infuriated, and i wait to say anything because of that, cause my standing could be shaky. only two residents here i think are on section 8. me and my old friend. i have an old friend here who also has bipolar who is a great writer and artist and a social worker too. but i hardly see him. we have known each other since i was 14. he was 15 or so. yeah trip. oh he probably is off section 8 now, being a social worker and all. i am pretty proud of that guy. he really worked hard, still does. i need to have him over for coffee but lately either j or i am sleeping. well i sleep very little but the drowsies hit me hard and when they do i fall asleep for a few hours. i get this heavy feeling and i can't fight it after awhile...

i still wonder why i am sad. there are good things in my life right now. but i feel the global blues again. it makes me ill.

i am tired of my belly. but then maybe i ought to love it so it does not get so sick. it feels bad in there. well chorizo is hard on me. i just look so pregnant. i may have had a false or real pregnancy last year, i really am confused about it. i had all the pregnancy symptoms and 4 months of skipped period. i also suspect the anti-psychotics cause they can mess with hormones i think. they mess with the endocrine system i think. they also can cause tumors on the pituitary gland. i have no idea but hormones are still all weird lately and i just look sort of like i am expecting. i am so annoyed.

and i don't eat much generally except at pms.

it seems if i am to get really well physically, i may have to go off all the psych meds. it seems they are hurting me too in various ways, some ways that i never will recover from even off the meds. i am on 5 mg abilifry, 37.5 effexor and prn xanax up to 1.50 mg a day. it is all pretty low. so the effexor the doc wants me off of too but there is that discontinuation syndrome that gets me very badly. so once i get that figured out i will consider also going completely off the fry. abilify. i think it fries me somewhat. but yeah filters... i need filters sometimes. but it seems after some time. the omega 3s really start working. after a year, they get really good. three months is when it starts really working, but yeah, after a year it is great. i need to find a good naturopath who will help as well. i take a lot of supplements and need maybe a little guidance. i have learned a lot on my own but i want to learn more. it is hard tho. why can't this be covered too like regular medicine?

i would do the regular medicine system thing if it worked but it does not work.

for me anyways. some people do real well. i am glad for them.

i am getting drowsy. by the time j wakes up, i will be drifting off to sleep myself...sort of sad. but i won't sleep for long. i will catch some time with him sometime...we had some time in the morning too.

i need to practice soon. i wish i could figure out the digital recorder. i must find someone to help me with it it seems. i need to get going on it. j may figure it out tho too. i don't know, it is frustrating. i can't comprehend instruction manuals. reading comprehension is zilch.