i'm not sure exactly what i'd like to say right now.

i'm new to this blog and i don't want to just start here where my other one leaves off.

i'm always talking about how this thing can change, dabbling in everything to get "better" for myself. but it's 5:40 am, i've been up all night, i ate beef, and pickles, i believe my roomate bought the "beef" which i think was mostly soy product anyway, at 7-11.

this is not adequate self - care.

i have for a long time resisted any activism in the field of mental health. i thought my training in psychology would be of some benefit to myself but all it did was piss me off. i wanted to be an art therapist, still do i think, but i'm so frustrated. i don't want to work in a clinical settting because i feel i'd be hypocritical if i went along with someone's more "traditional" treatment plan.

 but here i am and after 13 years of said "treatment" i'm doing the same cycling.

i went for months without crying, i literally could not cry. then in the beginning of january i did the annual freak out and cried,sobbed actually and felt totally out of control. regardless of the meds i'm on.

so fuck it. i'm done.

i've got this scarlett ohara aries streak in me that puts everything off until tomorrow. but i've got to stop this shit.

and get back to being myself