david science: extensive 2 year study finds that 2 years is a long damn time 

WOODLAWN TN: in an extensive scientific study exploring the effects of divorce, living alone, and artifiicial happiness, scientific expert david concluded that two years is a long damn time.
'i started this study to determine the effects of divorce and lonliness on middle-aged men and if there were any connections between that and mental health, and of course, if there were any chance of real happiness when one lives all alone.'
'what i concluded', david continued, 'is that two years is too damn long to study anything.
one of the more notable findings in davids 350 page report was that those two years were years that david would never get back, and that after two years, nausea, loss of appitite, and extreme irritability will most likely occur if david ever hears the words 'you're a really nice guy' again.
david says the study was complicated by the fact that many of his test subjects who had originally signed on to be part of the study, had moved on to more lucrative studies, including marraige, dating, and starting families, thus leaving him alone to do the majority of study on his own.

in a related study, a couple of ladies found that there is a direct relationship between davids study and his ability to carry on a long-term, meaningful relationship. 'we found a direct link between davids recent domestic history and his ability to spend quality time with us, buy us nice things, and his ability to give a shit.'   
the women charactorized their findings as 'conclusive'.
one leading woman in the study added this statement. 'david and i were involved in a one month 'getting to know each other' study followed by an intensive 3 month study on the effects of sex on the cardiac health of david and someone much younger than him. what we found were that the studies were 'too long' and 'way too damn long' respectively.
another woman added this. 'i will admit that some of my findings may be slightly jaded due to the fact that i tried to incorporate a side study in fetal tissue development, but found that david was way too busy with studying lonliness, misery, and regret to fully take part.'
davids study is earning high praise from colleagues and is being heralded as a real scientific breakthrough.  several colleagues were interviewed and said that thanks to davids efforts, they have now decided to not leave their spouses or significant others and continue to have happy, healthy relationships instead of living alone or starting all over.
one colleague added, 'thanks to david, we all know now that loneliness is a bitch and just not worth all the effort.'