So this is my effort to write a memoir.  It might not be read but I am fairly certain it will be worth the read if anyone discovers it. Only time will tell. Welcome to the only place I can be brutally honest.

I recently discovered the presence of God in the world. This memoir is not going to be preachy. I am not that type of guy. The point is this; I started to care again, about my future, about my lost years of numbness. About my years of wanting to die and the darkness I wrapped around me.

I am hardly the best person in the world, nor do I really want to consider myself one. The problem of my life seems to be this. I don't know how to open up after those years of darkness, those years where I was dead. I know I am forgiven by God, but that forgiveness is not free. I have to learn to forgive myself or else I will never be at peace. Okay so that is slightly preachy, I am mildy apologetic. However, this idea is certral to the memoir.

I realize that the two biggest things hanging overly me are directly interconnected. I was molested when I was a kid, and I am addicted to pornography.  I really can't identify what occured first in my life, being molested or being exposed to pornography, but they both became interconnected and now my life is extremely messed up because of it. It is hard to cope with either string of events right now.

The pornography is the easiest to deal with, and at the same time a lot harder. I am constantly reminded about pornography, about how easy it is to find, about how tempting it can be.  Yet as much as I think pornography degrades women, I know without a doubt it has degraded my mind and heart. I am a hopeless basket case when it comes to women now. I fall in love at a drop of the hat. I am a classic case of a male smothering his girlfriend. Don't get me started on sex either! As wonderful as it is I am a basket case with that too. Somehow, though I am wildly addicted to pornography I am too much of a romantic to believe in casual sex. It causes problems. I wish I could figure this out.

The molestation has definitely ruined my life. I do not blame the person who did it. They are just continuing the cycle of abuse, and I have forgiven them with the slight stipulation if they ever do it again their body will never be found, most likely because I will feed it to the poor is some kind of stew or chowder. Yet it occured for years and I feel like I am at blame for that. I was so wrapped in the darkness of my depression that I was dead. I was suicidal.

An aside; in my depression, I created a mythology surrounding myself. I do not know what is true and what is legend. My past is darkness. I don't remember much of it. I was a habitual liar, and I was disturbed, thus my pathological lying created who I am. I am a stranger to the facts of my past.

I know somethings, like the molestation are true, but other than that? It is so hard to fathom. Well I hate to cut my first blog short, but I am at a coffeeshop and need to talk to a friend about volunteer work. Interesting transition.

I look forward to continuing this discussion...with myself?