So here's the thing... more than anything there's something I'm bothered by. For the life of me I don't know why I haven't talked about it up until now. I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not afraid of it, but I do know that I'm limited by it. I don't know how best to describe it but I'll try. My ability to describe and articulate thoughts has been compromised to a great degree. I know I'm a very bright guy. Generally speaking, there aren't many concepts that I don't understand. The problem is that although I have a great mental grasp of concepts, viewpoints and arguments, I commonly feel unable to express them in a meaningful way. Very commonly. The problem is often presented to me when you ask me how I feel about things, how I relate to people or how my parents relate to one another. Outside of counseling it can occur when I'm trying to tell a story, describe a situation or express a viewpoint. These examples are purely random and not meant to be inclusive of all the things that frustrate my cognition. These things occur every day, at every turn. I just sort of experience some sort of mental block when I'm trying to express things or even when I'm trying to understand something relatively simple that's been asked of me. I don't know how to best describe it but it's really omnipresent. Even as I type this (something I've been working at for probably a half hour) I'm struggling to describe it. I often have to read and reread things to make them sink in. I often draw blanks when put on the spot. I often draw blanks when I'm asked about things that I otherwise understand. It's some sort of a mental block. It's been with me for a long time. How long I don't know, because of course, I don't remember. My memory is something that I expect plays a role in this. It's almost as though I'm so used to not remembering that my brain automatically shifts to blank as the result and habit of not being able to remember things. I think that it therefore just expects to not understand. I don't know a better way of describing it. I just feel that in spite of my intelligence I'm operating in a limiting fog.

As I think about it, I'm not even sure if it's true that I've not brought it up until now. I honestly can't remember. I've gotten used to living with this but it strikes me that I shouldn't have to. It's undermining my self confidence and hampering my will to do more. I think it's actually affected my employment situation. There are jobs that I know I'm bright enough to do but I also know that this issue will rear it's ugly head and I'll fall short. It's one of reasons that I've not accomplished more. I can't begin to tell you how frustrating this issue is. I wonder why I haven't been more expressive of this to you. Maybe it's because I'm so damn used to it that I've begun to accept it as normal and therefore don't even think about it too often. I suspect that's it. I think I long ago gave up on solving the problem and came to see it as just a part of me. Now that I am thinking about it, it's not something I want to accept. Right now, for whatever reason, I'm acutely aware of how strange it is that I've not delved into this in the past. I think that solving this one mystery would, more than anything else, improve my life.

Trying to describe this condition is incredibly frustrating. As a matter of fact, for the first time in quite a while, I'm feeling real anxiety. It's building inside of me as I try to describe something that at times feels indescribeable. The more I try to describe this, the more frustrated I get. The more frustrated I get, the more anxious I become. It's time to take a xanax and go to bed.

We need to solve this.