the fundamentals of rising Azure.

as if she has been tied to a chair for weeks, a young Azure pushes herself up and moves forward in mind, body, and spirit, sudden changes are about to arise. a new skin perhaps, like a snake. the midwest calls out to her, why? being so frank and upfront has never worked to full advantage like she sought it out to, so, what's to come? what does she want? where will she go? how far? will it be good? if anything, with good, bad always follows.

here we go. there are several factors involved, one being the competely rational yet highly disastrous picking at one's own reason for being, a philosophical matter of course. and a second being the loneliness that follows the burdens of not finding any reasons that are reason enough for one to believe when one has less than faith. following along so far? no? doesn't matter.

burn and shiver in thought and comparison to the world and other similar beings if there are any. strange breed. human. any point to life? not really. most of it is spent alone. seek out comfort, campanionship, fancy homes, cars, children, an italian pavarotti mix tape, anything missing? always. there will never be enough. will there?

sometimes, sitting alone with the dog, Azure lays her head back on her parent's nice, soft, green, worn down couch and closes her eyes. you remember those funny games in school where everyone in class would get on the disgusting carpet and the teacher would say lie back, close your eyes, and relax. think about your breathing. where does your mind take you? Azure goes to a beach. empty. there's that word again. emptiness. loneliness. is that a sign? do we seek out alone time to prepare for the end? if we're all going to die alone anyway, why do we do this? or don't we? Azure's beach is empty. the sky is grey and blue and purple, getting darker. a house on high stilts stands by itself on soft sand. waves crash down one after the other. calm. wind is picking up. her long, silky brown hair blowing in the breeze. calm before the storm? what are we waiting for? what's the point? or is there no point? is this some cruel joke? a game? is there a God? a higher power pressing us on? putting us on this planet, like a board game, picking up no peices on the way, making a huge mess. yes. a storm is building. Azure will be calm. She will learn calm. because there is nothing else. nothing will truely matter in the end unless she finds that book of shadows, that fucking bible that swallows her whole world keeping darkness at bay. will she cover herself inside useless things? inside a volvo in a city in the center of devastation and complete opposites. a real war field. zero dollars to billions of dollars.

or, she goes back to the fantasy. a beach? the calm before a storm? or a metaphor for the midwest. a cabin hidden in an ocean of trees. green plants. meadows. bats in the night sky. rivers flow by. mud. live simple. she would like to live simple. keeping away from dirty cash and filthy magazines that only lie to her, deceive her every thought and day, they destroy her. can ruin her world that could be. can Azure escape the pure evil of the shadows that follow her steps?

how truely dramatic. a craving.

what we're getting at here is her desire to understand the reason for being. it is the triangle of hierarchy. steps from bottom to top or however one looks at it. the basic needs such as food and water on the bottom, security is the next step with love after that and the last two steps being esteem or achievement and self-actualization at top.

it's simple. your body thinks on it's own. it breathes for you, your muscles move without you really having to do anything. you eat, sleep, shit, fuck; easy, you've made it to step two. but what about security. let's say Azure grew up in a comfortable, modest home with the average divorced parents. she graduates public high school in a small village and after a month or two of bullshit college she withdraws. there goes her security. she is now cut off. no money. so if money controls this world and just about anything you do, what happens if you have none? you won't go far. there is restriction on your comfort. free america? i don't think so. everything has a price.

so with Azure struggling to be self-actualized (the top of the triangle), she begins to realize her legs aren't long enough to jump over all of the steps to get there. if she plans to stay out of school she most likely won't have her own security, unless she finds it in someone else. love and belonging is the step directly after security. if love is in her reach she may gain security and possibly the steps after that, leading her to long-lost-self-actualization.

here's the thing though. if we're meant to die alone... why is it so hard to live alone? or, is she wrong? touch is everything important to her. it is hard to believe that Azure will find the love and security she craves so desperately at such a young age. the triangle makes sense. somehow, things became extremely complicated, and in some cases, even getting past the first step is a struggle. so the question comes back. if you're meant to die alone, why can't you live alone? is it the wrong question? should it just not be asked? because it can be understood to leave things alone. better off leaving some things untouched. people put up walls around them. and in their brains. but sometimes, things itch, and they just need to be grabbed at, begging to be touched. a temptation of sorts. bad comes with good. what's to come overall? what is the point of living if you can't understand your reason? is life really just a game, time spent on learning your reason to live? is your reason to comfort another human being? is life a gift? if you're given life you have a chance of love, and with love comes pain. with good comes bad. is this a reason... can this be her fundamental answer to live?

or is this just some fucked up shit i found in my brain and am putting out there?