I used to know a lot of things. It's not that I have forgotten them now, I just choose to ignore them. If you really think about it, who honestly takes someones opinion into consideration? There life experiances, or the things they have learned through the years of there short life? The mother who has just gave birth to a bouncy, healthy baby? The bum on the street? Or even your best friend? I have noticed that through time, and when I used to speak my mind, that people heard me well enough to what I knew, but never listened to the understanding behind everything. And if you have known me for sometime, I do not like to repeat myself, nor do i enjoy explaining my state of mind or views on certain subjects. I for one have valued peoples opinion, but with everything else I take it with a grain of sand, swallow it down, and bite my tongue. I have an irrational sense of things, until I step back and stand outside the box. Then again I blow up usually before that ever happens. Those of you who have dated me, or have been my friend for 5+ years understand this full heartedly and somehow deals with it. I thank you for that much. ...

As for the meaning or point behind this blog, It's just a rant, a little window inside my mind. Just for you, not really any specific you, just a generalized you. This rant isn't over, It's only just begun, so when I go off on my tangents, and be sure that it will happen in a complex yet simple way, to be patient as I guide you to this window.

I have a mind, It's there, it speaks, and thinks just like any mind. Yet at the same time is sees. It sees things in abstract shades of grey that hold no meaning or solidity. It comes in waves and they crash against the sinews of my heart. So in some aspects I bleed water. One moment it's calmed and controlled, the next it is a Tsunami of conflicts spilling forth into a wild rage of no importance to anyone, not even me. Yet I consider the options of such resistance and thoughts. I filter them as if they were sand through an hour glass, counting the minutes until my hour is up. Once it's done I'm left suffocating on the answers that could be, and sometimes should be. Not all of them are good, but yet they are rational and make sense. The good, the bad, and the simply inconvenient.

I hate being startled by this, this mind that thinks with the water of my heart. I am ruled by my emotions, my desires. If it is not in my desire, then I have no determination to follow it through. It it does not fancy me, then I don't enter the parlor room. I am no lady sir, so keep your hands off my designs unless you plan on painting the picture. Silly that I come up with that... then again I have done so many drugs that my mind is warped with anticipation to write in funny ways. I have been clean for a while, so the understanding behind this train doesn't really go along this track anymore. I used to understand the hidden meanings of the pictures in my mind. The shapes and all the colors. But they have bled together now and are no longer as sharp as they used to be. Kind of like my sight. Once it's  far away, I can no longer see and by then it's too far gone.